I wrote the following yesterday.  I’m getting ready to go to my dr visit and I’m anxious.  I just had the conscious thought that I am going to have to pick what stresses me out and what doesn’t.  I’m going to have to let some stuff go.  Consciously pay attention to what I think and how I let it affect me.  Please send some prayers if you have them that they find whatever is wrong! 

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My work is piled up around me. I literally have a stack of 20 or so files that are the same height as my (elevated) laptop. Emails are coming in threatening the dismissal of managers who aren’t up to par. Meanwhile, the last month has seen my health decline. I’m super stressed out because I can’t perform 100% when my body is not there. At first I thought it was my mind and attitude that were the problem. As the days went by and I thought about the cumulative, I had to face the fact something is going on that isn’t mental. I have a dr’s appointment and I am stressed about that even though I am anxious to go and ready to have answers. But, there will be blood drawn and I will have to wait for results. It’s a vicious cycle of stress. My body is screaming for me to go to bed and my mind is saying, “Don’t you dare ask to go home! Get these tasks done you loser.” And writing is super difficult. I don’t even want to do the thing I love the most!

Times like this—when I reach a near breaking point—I have to practice what I’ve learned. I think today that lesson is self-compassion. I have to search through my thoughts and realize they aren’t all in my best interest and find the errors in my thinking. Fact: my body cannot do everything it needs to do today. Fact: I have nourished my body with all good things and am doing the very best for it until I get answers. Fact: there will always be work unfinished on my desk. Fact: I can’t do my best when my mind is racing and overflowing. I have to wonder what my advice would be if a friend came to me and said these things I’m saying? Would I say, “Suck it up, you’re a big girl. Do your job and rest later.” No, I wouldn’t say that. I know some of you might but I don’t think that’s the way to inspire. That’s only making someone feel like they aren’t doing all they can. I wouldn’t want to belittle someone, their circumstance, or shame them. I would say, “I love you and I want you to take care of yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are, but do not be afraid to admit when you are weak.” So why is it so hard to love myself like I’d love a friend? Why is someone else doing their best ok but I have trouble being content with my person best?

In fact, I’d say admitting that I cannot get it done but I will do the best I can under the circumstances is about as good as it gets right now. Being clear-headed and slow is better than frazzled and making mistakes. After all, that’s all I’d expect from any friend or co-worker. Don’t let it get the best of you—whatever “it” is. Don’t let “it” steal your joy. I am so happy right now that I have a job, that I have a great team working in my department with me, and most of all that I have a picture on my desk of a couple who loves one another and will make it through whatever is going on. People are raving about my sock/shoe combo and that’s a happy. I’m gonna have brisket for dinner and cheer on the Lib’s pool team. Who can’t help but be excited about that? So I am gonna crank up the Slacker Spa station and do what I can with a smile and have faith in the universe that it’s all going to work out the way it’s supposed to be.