One thing I’ve learned with age: the way we judge others always has something to do with ourselves more than it does the other person.  Here lately I’ve been a little hot mess.  My health is not great and I think my mind and heart are suffering from my constant worry about it.  When I’m not necessarily practicing full out & out “worry,” you’ll find me hating the repercussions of whatever illness is raging.  I will just go ahead and admit it now that the person who loved mirrors after losing weight avoids them now.  And I hate that.  But it’s a reminder that there are areas I need to embrace and work on.  I have to get it through to my heart that these 5 lbs and the strands of hair do NOT make me who I am.  In fact, giving them the control over me that I do is probably more detrimental than anything else going on in my life.  And it keeps me focused on me.  While some “me” time is essential to the racing mind, too much of “me, me, me” throughout every day and inserted into every conversation I have is probably a clue that I’m reaching outside for what is only found inside—acceptance and beauty.  I’ve blogged about beauty a long while back when my weight loss journey began so I will not do so again. 

Why I say all that is to try to give an accurate account of my mind these days.  The awesome thing about life is that an AHA MOMENT can come at any time and bring you the awareness and peace you need. Today, I woke up and my little brain is firing up and rapidly trying to lay out what must get done today as I make my coffee and let Chloe out.  And I think back on what a difficult week it’s been emotionally.  And suddenly, I had that AHA.  We judge people in areas we’re insecure about.  Let me paint this.  Y’all know that I am open to new ideas.  I’ll hang around for any conversation at least for a minute.  And sometimes I’ll speak up and sometimes I’m just amused.  But here lately I’ve felt stirred up emotionally—for no justifiable reason!  About the stupidest shit on the planet! There I was one minute being awesome and “whoosh” the hormonal monster comes out before I know what’s going on.  I am despicable at those times. 

Last night I had to really, really examine this.  Part of it has to be because there’s some hormone imbalance.  For anyone never experiencing this, your hormones are a science project and mixing it up wrong means a volcano erupts in your soul.  When everything is in tact, it’s a peaceful little mountain with no worries.  So look here, if you aren’t suffering from hormonal imbalance you need to say a prayer of gratitude right now.  But hormones are no excuse.  I firmly believe there is a peace and love inside me that I can access at any time and it’s my piece of the divine universe (see my blog about the balls of happiness).  Hormonal imbalance makes it harder to live from that place than it usually is, but I’m not going to make an excuse.  While the hormones rage, the core of my being is readily available IF I’m willing to access it and live from that.  Which goes back to my vulnerability reflections.  You have to put yourself out there. 

I think a combination of hating myself and not wanting it out there is important to acknowledge.  Mainly because you HAVE to love yourself to get love and give love.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  I am at a place where I don’t love my body.  Oh how quickly we fall.  Epic fail, me.  Today I realized I have to embrace this body and love it and care for it with the mindfulness it deserves.  It is what it is—hormones, hair loss, and 5 lbs.  It could be a helluvalot worse.  So I will slap my hair in a bun as I have been doing and wear my size 6 when it should be a 4 and go have fun and love life… with the bun and the size 6.  That’s totally doable.  If all someone sees of me is my hair thinning and my jeans tight then they are pretty lucky—there’s a hormonal villain inside that could scratch their face off at any given moment! [jokes people, jokes]

And finally, and most profound, is the fact I’ve jumped all over an undeserving subject (whom we will just call Chris) about his ‘need to be right or argue.’  I sat all night wondering if it was my hormones, the fact I have issues with not being enough, or what the hell is my sudden issue here.  We’ve conversed for months and suddenly I freak out?  Dude, weird!  And that’s when I woke up and realized I point these things out to make me feel better because I often have the need to be right [and right now I just feel like I’m all wrong anyway] and what is perceived by me as an argument is merely a perspective.  But it makes me insecure.  For one thing, and I think I wrote about this a long, long time ago, I battled the need to be right for years before I got to the happiness spot.  And, when he finds flaws with my logic or counters me, I take it as “he’s telling you how wrong you are and you can’t do anything right, Apryl.”   Let’s be clear, that’s not what he says.  It’s me and my issues popping up. It’s the voices inside lying. But when the thought struck that “I’m judging him in an area I feel insecure,” bells went off. 

The reward of self-reflection and tears is knowing more.  So today I’m going to give myself a break.  Even if it’s just one day.  I’m going to forget the hormones, forgive my imperfection, and go show this man a less beastly side. It may be a challenge but I am going to love my body today and live from the spot of calm and happiness that I worked so long to build. 

I had the comment made from a friend who just “wants me to be happy” that I am still young, I look really good now, and that I don’t have to settle down. The implication was that since I get hit on, I could be out there dating a ton of guys. It kinda rubbed me wrong until I realized the perspective. This friend does love me, wants me to be happy, and would support me always. But we are very different. What we want out of life is also different. And I respect that. I love her and want the same happiness for her. But it made me realize that there may be something more in the bigger picture.

I began thinking that there is a distinct difference between pleasure and happiness. Many things please people that do not bring them happiness: alcohol, food, sex, drugs…if you can name it, it’s probably used by someone as a pleasure. And to be very clear, many of those bring me pleasure. But often they are abused because we think they will bring happiness. Anytime in my life I have based my happiness outside my soul and into these pleasures (among a thousand others), I have ended up unhappy. A series of pleasures does not equate happiness.

My biggest personal changes occurred when I withdrew some of the above mentioned pleasures. I had to cry for a long time before I came to a point where I realized I had all the control from that moment forward to live happily or not. All it had to do was come from within. I began a transformation that will likely not be complete even upon my death. I cannot give or love enough to mankind in one lifetime. Having said all that, pleasures have their time and purpose in life. The ultimate goal is to have a lasting happiness filled with sprinkles of pleasures.

I understand people–even the ones nearest & dearest to us–don’t derive happiness in all the same ways. And what pleases one doesn’t please all. I have always had the good fortune of talking truth to myself when I needed to find out what I really wanted. Not always easy and sometimes it took a blow in life to really listen to my heart, but once I did I found what I needed. I had to face my own abuses and realize I used pleasure to avoid pain. And that what I was doing was not a formula that yielded any long term gain. But I don’t assert here that I know what others need. I want my friends to be happy and experience all the pleasures of the world that supplement inner peace.

Perhaps my demeanor lately is what sparked concern. I have had too many days lately filled with snapping at people and not smiling. For those closest even I don’t think I let on what’s really going on, although I’m trying. I am in pain more days than not recently and undergoing tests and seeing specialists now to determine what exactly is off inside my body. But I am trying very, VERY hard to just make my mind up that if I had to live bald and in chronic pain for the rest of my life then I can do it with a positive attitude. I owe much of my help in creating that to Chris. I am not satisfied with my level of achievement in the attitude area, but it’s coming along with fewer self-reminders. And that’s a start. Of course, being Anxiety Girl, I go to worse case scenario. But if I can make myself happy with that, there’s no reason not to be content and let life unfold as it shall.

Days like this one, all I want is a Life Manual. A field guide on what to feel and what’s ok to express. I don’t want to sound like a whiney ass, yet I’m genuinely hurting and feel like a person should be able to admit when they are weak. And possibly I need to explain since I’m inadvertently making people feel like I’m mad at them. Today is probably the worst I’ve felt since the downhill slide of my health began. After being quizzed by the doctor yesterday, I realized the decline started much earlier than I had noticed. It was small things, such as my nail strength going from ok to shitty, that should have been a clue but I didn’t associate it as one. My symptoms now are just too obvious to ignore. And every single moment spent waiting–between making the doctor appointment to getting there and now waiting on lab work to come back–is anxiety filled!  I want to know the cause and get back to my life as it was!

The body aches and pain are constant now and every day gets worse. I thought my hair falling out was bad and that it couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong. Hair falling out AND being in nonstop pain turns out to be worse. It’s just so frustrating. Physically and mentally. It’s impossible to keep the attitude 24/7 that “all things are lessons to be learned” and “this is happening for a reason.” However, I’m trying very hard to go through my whining and self-pity stages and get back to being grateful. Because I truly believe all this is happening for reasons I haven’t figured out yet. For now, my mind constantly pulls back and forth in these directions.

And people think I’m mad at them or just mad in general. No, it’s not that at all. Every fiber from my waist up feels like it’s turning into stone or hurts. I’m not mad. It’s just hard to smile.  I have tears behind my eyes that I fight all day. I’m not even mad about whatever it is that’s going on—I’m a little scared, in lots of pain, and I just want to go to bed. In addition to that, my mind flies to every worst case scenario and I have to stop myself from googling crazy diseases to make sure my symptoms don’t fit those. I know I should relax, take a deep breath, and just let it be. I totally know that but doing it isn’t so easy. All I ask is that you bear with me until I’m back to normal. And, if you’re a pray-er, send some of those. If you’re not, but you can send some positive thoughts, that’s appreciated just as much.

I wrote the following yesterday.  I’m getting ready to go to my dr visit and I’m anxious.  I just had the conscious thought that I am going to have to pick what stresses me out and what doesn’t.  I’m going to have to let some stuff go.  Consciously pay attention to what I think and how I let it affect me.  Please send some prayers if you have them that they find whatever is wrong! 

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My work is piled up around me. I literally have a stack of 20 or so files that are the same height as my (elevated) laptop. Emails are coming in threatening the dismissal of managers who aren’t up to par. Meanwhile, the last month has seen my health decline. I’m super stressed out because I can’t perform 100% when my body is not there. At first I thought it was my mind and attitude that were the problem. As the days went by and I thought about the cumulative, I had to face the fact something is going on that isn’t mental. I have a dr’s appointment and I am stressed about that even though I am anxious to go and ready to have answers. But, there will be blood drawn and I will have to wait for results. It’s a vicious cycle of stress. My body is screaming for me to go to bed and my mind is saying, “Don’t you dare ask to go home! Get these tasks done you loser.” And writing is super difficult. I don’t even want to do the thing I love the most!

Times like this—when I reach a near breaking point—I have to practice what I’ve learned. I think today that lesson is self-compassion. I have to search through my thoughts and realize they aren’t all in my best interest and find the errors in my thinking. Fact: my body cannot do everything it needs to do today. Fact: I have nourished my body with all good things and am doing the very best for it until I get answers. Fact: there will always be work unfinished on my desk. Fact: I can’t do my best when my mind is racing and overflowing. I have to wonder what my advice would be if a friend came to me and said these things I’m saying? Would I say, “Suck it up, you’re a big girl. Do your job and rest later.” No, I wouldn’t say that. I know some of you might but I don’t think that’s the way to inspire. That’s only making someone feel like they aren’t doing all they can. I wouldn’t want to belittle someone, their circumstance, or shame them. I would say, “I love you and I want you to take care of yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are, but do not be afraid to admit when you are weak.” So why is it so hard to love myself like I’d love a friend? Why is someone else doing their best ok but I have trouble being content with my person best?

In fact, I’d say admitting that I cannot get it done but I will do the best I can under the circumstances is about as good as it gets right now. Being clear-headed and slow is better than frazzled and making mistakes. After all, that’s all I’d expect from any friend or co-worker. Don’t let it get the best of you—whatever “it” is. Don’t let “it” steal your joy. I am so happy right now that I have a job, that I have a great team working in my department with me, and most of all that I have a picture on my desk of a couple who loves one another and will make it through whatever is going on. People are raving about my sock/shoe combo and that’s a happy. I’m gonna have brisket for dinner and cheer on the Lib’s pool team. Who can’t help but be excited about that? So I am gonna crank up the Slacker Spa station and do what I can with a smile and have faith in the universe that it’s all going to work out the way it’s supposed to be.

I had one of those moments where I read something in “Daring Greatly” by Dr. Brene Brown a few days ago and it resonated inside me.  It was palpable.  The words jumped off the page and metaphorically knocked me to the ground. It was a wake up call. The keyword for this blog is “disengagement.”  It describes me and my attitude at work so dang well.  I should have been able to see that on my own without having to read it in a book, yet I didn’t.  I guess it’s a forest/trees kind of thing.  I don’t mean this blog to rag on my job. However, I do think this is a problem and I cannot be the only one facing it. Perhaps one or more people can relate. And if anyone reading has overcame this, please comment or get in touch with me and offer some advice.

I had to sit back and think about when this shift and disengagement all began. A huge turning point was July 18^th, my 11 year anniversary at work. A former co-worker (and someone I considered a friend up until that day) sent me some very hateful texts. It’s one thing to tell someone things they don’t want to hear–Lord don’t I know that—but it’s your intent that really makes a difference. Do you come from a place of love to offer your words or are you coming in as a critic and bully? The things I was accused of and names I was called really could only come from a place with no good intended. And it really did something to me. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, I gave someone my power. And it really wasn’t all that surprising to be honest. We’d discussed my job before, obviously. But I think, on some level, I let those words affect me WAY more than they should. I’ve been pretty down and disengaged since then.

I want to innovate, be creative, and make a difference. And I’m at a position where I feel I cannot do any of those things. Maybe this is burn out. Maybe this is ordinary. And I cannot stress how much I do not want to sound ungrateful, but maybe this has been in the making from day one. All I will say is that when Dr. Brene Brown speaks of shame and blame in our organizations and families, it hit me pretty hard. People are not treated equally and oftentimes disrespected. When I cognitively process all this, it’s no wonder I’ve disengaged. It’s almost like I’m on energy-saving mode. Or soul-preservation mode more aptly. The problem with this whole set up is that once you disengage in one part of your life, it tends to overflow into other areas. Nevermind I’m not being a good leader with all this disengagement going on, I’m probably not being a good roommate, girlfriend, or daughter. I’ve also began to wonder if I haven’t taken this into my relationship with Chloe. Am I pulling back and avoiding spending some time at home that I should/could because she’s in bad health and I can’t face it? I dunno, but it’s something to consider.

I haven’t finished the chapter on disengagement. I had to pause and let it all sink in. But something tells me when you have to pull in your authentic self from one area of life, it’s going to be damn hard—if not impossible—to bring the authenticity back to other areas. Without any data from a source, I venture to say in my own life that when I’m disengaged it kills and numb parts of me that can’t just come back to life at 5pm. Despite the best intentions of friends to convince me otherwise, I’m here to say that you can’t become someone brand new at 5:01pm. You’re either in the game or not. Of course, boundaries and other things come up and should be explored (and put into practice!) to make sure you’re healthy enough to contribute meaningfully. It’s my experience that when you start a soul preservation experiment and disengagement at work, it will trickle down everywhere. In the end, I’m left not feeling like I can do enough anywhere.

The sad truth is that disengagement only hurts me, not helps. I feel guilty about the work that I cannot control or finish. I feel guilty I’m not doing more to improve things. I fear that I come off uncaring or cold and not seeing people as human beings with human needs but instead as things that I only deal with because I have to. Maya Angelou once said something about acknowledging people and showing them how your eyes light up when they come into a room. I can think of three times I do this on a steady basis: Chris, Audrey & Chloe. Two of those are pets and I’m only counting them to feel better about my ability to show love. From the moment we met, Christopher has a way of lighting me up inside that I hope is evident in my eyes. Just today I had the thought that I don’t think a million years could go by and it be enough to ever let me show how much I love him. [Yes, the L word. Don’t hate, congratulate.] I ask only one thing of myself: should the ordinary habits of living invade us, may I always remember to light up when he walks into the room. If I cannot tell him or show him in any way, I want him to know he matters to me. Right now, it’s pretty much effortless.

I am determined to re-engage myself. It was the words of my boyfriend that helped me the most. He said, “Remember the serenity prayer.” And I think about this almost daily since he reminded me. I cannot change the senior leaders in this organization, but I can change me. I can change my leadership and hopefully prevent those I supervise from the same fate. I can show them how much they matter, how much they are appreciated, and cultivate an authentic relationship with them. It’s really all I can do. I also read in Dr. Brown’s book that if you aren’t uncomfortable as a leader then you’re not growing or learning and not doing a good job. It’s entirely possible these emotions and lessons have been brought to me to prepare me for something new—some bigger and brighter opportunities I hope lie ahead.

The last day of summer has come & gone. Temperature aside, it’s been the best summer I can recall. I’m sure there were a lot of good ones over the 34 years but I’m glad they all led to this one. I got some brighter shoes, I got my roommates here, I saw live music, I picked up a pool stick for the first time in five years, and I figured some things out about myself and others. I’m quite excited about the future. I would only gush from here so I will stop. Remember, life is beautiful the minute you decide that it shall be and have a heart full of faith.