Last night I had the realization that I live in fear. I had been listening to “Iyanla Live!: Love” and she said there’s only two emotions, love and fear. And where there is fear there can’t be love. That’s a concept that is hard to wrap my head around. But something has been below the surface lately and I’m troubled by it. Physical symptoms are present and finally as I cried into my pillow big admissions came forward: I am afraid. I. Am. Afraid.

I am scared of my little Chloe being in pain and knowing the ending is near. I’m scared I won’t know when the time is right to let her go. I was scared that she would see me cry, know something is wrong like she always seems to do, and hang on longer just to be with me and that made me feel guilty. I am scared the big C is winning the war in two of my friends. I’m scared of the worst and all the things I never said or did or could have done. I’m scared the past is too muddy to bring us closer now. And. I’m scared of losing them. Especially since I have the anniversaries of Kim’s passing approaching and Katrina upon us. I’m scared about work. I’m scared about my relationship with Chris. It’s like once I let fear in, it took over.

Based on the principle I heard from Iyanla, I have the power to call the divine in and bring in the love to all of that fear and more. What good is this worry and fear doing me? There are things I can do for each situation but acting out of fear is not going to be the best way to deal. Much of the items outcome are in the hands of the universe, not Apryl. So today I’m going to do my best to replace the fear with something better. And remind myself of what I can do and what I cannot do.