I had to leave work early today. I was at my breaking point. I don’t want to rag on my job publicly and sound ungrateful. I’m very grateful. I just have a point–like all humans–that I’m doing damage and not good. I don’t want to be more of the problem but right now I don’t have the solutions. I brought some stuff home to do over the weekend. I can’t get it done with nonstop interruption and distraction at the office. I came home and started some laundry and moved part of my junk that was cluttering our kitchen. Now, I’m laying in my bed trying to silence my brain and my nerves.

I’ve realized it boils down to helplessness. I’m a strong gal. But my workload is impossible to manage. Add to it I’m watching little Chloe get old and I see her body wearing down. It’s painful. The best advice I received about Chloe came from my friend Charlie. He said, “She’ll tell you when it’s time.” And I’m at the point where I have to ask her if its time. Not yet, but soon I think is her answer. She’s not done, but she’s winding down. Chris’ dog-the awesome Audrey-is young and full of life and being around her reminds me of Chloe’s younger days. I had gotten used to my baby being slow and needing pills, special injections, pain pills, and $50 bath soap. I’d forgotten she was once able to hold her bladder for hours and run. Seeing Audrey play and jump really brings to light how old and fragile my closest companion is now. And I’m helpless. I can’t make her better. I can only treat and ease her pain for so long. And if I were Chloe, how long would I keep going? Not much longer. Her new pain pill isn’t showing signs of making it easier for her to walk or jump. Her skin is better but still infected and she can’t tolerate much petting. It is killing me to watch her fade. But she will tell me when she isn’t up for the fight. As long as she is, I’ll spend my last dime for the care she requires.

And speaking of last dimes, I can’t pursue the career I want because I need the solidarity (as little as there is) of the job that’s killing me because of my finances. I’ve accrued a shit ton of debt that is barely manageable. I take full responsibility for it. But again, it increases a helplessness inside me. All I can do is manage it at this point and I’m doing better at that. That’s some consolation. Treading financial water is the least amount of fun an adult can have! I hate to put it all out there like this, but it makes me accountable. I will get this under control and turn things around.

And maybe that’s what I needed to hear inside me: I can do it. I can take the few things in my life that are my responsibility and manage them and turn things around.