Last night I had the realization that I live in fear. I had been listening to “Iyanla Live!: Love” and she said there’s only two emotions, love and fear. And where there is fear there can’t be love. That’s a concept that is hard to wrap my head around. But something has been below the surface lately and I’m troubled by it. Physical symptoms are present and finally as I cried into my pillow big admissions came forward: I am afraid. I. Am. Afraid.

I am scared of my little Chloe being in pain and knowing the ending is near. I’m scared I won’t know when the time is right to let her go. I was scared that she would see me cry, know something is wrong like she always seems to do, and hang on longer just to be with me and that made me feel guilty. I am scared the big C is winning the war in two of my friends. I’m scared of the worst and all the things I never said or did or could have done. I’m scared the past is too muddy to bring us closer now. And. I’m scared of losing them. Especially since I have the anniversaries of Kim’s passing approaching and Katrina upon us. I’m scared about work. I’m scared about my relationship with Chris. It’s like once I let fear in, it took over.

Based on the principle I heard from Iyanla, I have the power to call the divine in and bring in the love to all of that fear and more. What good is this worry and fear doing me? There are things I can do for each situation but acting out of fear is not going to be the best way to deal. Much of the items outcome are in the hands of the universe, not Apryl. So today I’m going to do my best to replace the fear with something better. And remind myself of what I can do and what I cannot do.

I’ve written like 5 blogs this last couple of weeks but nothing is worthy of publishing.  It’s all been a big soup of crap inside my head.  Today, I listened to my favorite inspirational speaker [Iyanla Vanzant, duh], slept like a baby with a GREAT nap, woke up and used good hair products, had a HUGE ass steak cooked for me with a fresh salad and tasty tater, and curled up next to the man and half the dogs I love for an hour of tv.  My mind is more clear now than it has been.  And, as I write, my Chloe is seemingly happy laying on the couch, I hear one roommate IMing while she plays Yahtzee and the others are celebrating alone in their room, likely snuggled together.  No, my world is not perfect—nor would I have it be—but it is serene here and I remember that despite the seemingly unnecessary struggles my friends face, it is all in perfect order of the universe.

I guess a lot of people have trouble with my trust in the universe.  But, it’s where I am on the journey.  And earlier today I was thinking about each individual’s journey.  I had to remind myself everyone must take a different path.  No two can be the same.  And, further, how incredibly blessed we are when we find those who desire to share the walk with us.  Be it friends, family, co-workers, pets…whatever soul we get to see a little bit of should be in the blessings category.  We don’t always catch people at their brightest or biggest but sometimes we do.  Maybe that’s why hearing my roommates [and dog] doing the things they love brings me peace.  And then, as I began writing, I got a couple of texts from Chris that just really rounded the whole shebang out.  There isn’t peace on earth, but there’s some right here.  For these small things, I cannot express my gratitude enough. 

I’m supposed to be a writer—someone full of words that should just spew forth and change the world—but all I got tonight is that if you are blessed to be in a peaceful home surrounded by someone who loves you or things that you have tended to with love, than I hope that eases your soul as much as it does mine.  So often people think, “I’ll be happy when ______” and you can insert your own variance.  It can be when I have kids, when I get married, when I drive a new car, when I have a new job, when I can afford this that & the other bauble or bling thingy.  Whatever.  I’m thrilled that my life isn’t in disarray and that I overcame issues that held me back.  I’m thrilled to see my friends reaching successful milestones and others taking life’s hardest hits with grace and perseverance.  You can’t put a price tag on happiness.  And if your life’s happiness starts with this symbol: $…you gonna have a long, long battle ahead.  I fully believe the universe will not hand you more than you can handle.  And if you aren’t tending to the blessings before you, how you expect to gain more?  I don’t know anything, these are just my musings.  Mostly brought on the greatest muse in the world who reminds me daily how beautiful life can be when we’re ready to receive love.

Goodnight world. 

I had to leave work early today. I was at my breaking point. I don’t want to rag on my job publicly and sound ungrateful. I’m very grateful. I just have a point–like all humans–that I’m doing damage and not good. I don’t want to be more of the problem but right now I don’t have the solutions. I brought some stuff home to do over the weekend. I can’t get it done with nonstop interruption and distraction at the office. I came home and started some laundry and moved part of my junk that was cluttering our kitchen. Now, I’m laying in my bed trying to silence my brain and my nerves.

I’ve realized it boils down to helplessness. I’m a strong gal. But my workload is impossible to manage. Add to it I’m watching little Chloe get old and I see her body wearing down. It’s painful. The best advice I received about Chloe came from my friend Charlie. He said, “She’ll tell you when it’s time.” And I’m at the point where I have to ask her if its time. Not yet, but soon I think is her answer. She’s not done, but she’s winding down. Chris’ dog-the awesome Audrey-is young and full of life and being around her reminds me of Chloe’s younger days. I had gotten used to my baby being slow and needing pills, special injections, pain pills, and $50 bath soap. I’d forgotten she was once able to hold her bladder for hours and run. Seeing Audrey play and jump really brings to light how old and fragile my closest companion is now. And I’m helpless. I can’t make her better. I can only treat and ease her pain for so long. And if I were Chloe, how long would I keep going? Not much longer. Her new pain pill isn’t showing signs of making it easier for her to walk or jump. Her skin is better but still infected and she can’t tolerate much petting. It is killing me to watch her fade. But she will tell me when she isn’t up for the fight. As long as she is, I’ll spend my last dime for the care she requires.

And speaking of last dimes, I can’t pursue the career I want because I need the solidarity (as little as there is) of the job that’s killing me because of my finances. I’ve accrued a shit ton of debt that is barely manageable. I take full responsibility for it. But again, it increases a helplessness inside me. All I can do is manage it at this point and I’m doing better at that. That’s some consolation. Treading financial water is the least amount of fun an adult can have! I hate to put it all out there like this, but it makes me accountable. I will get this under control and turn things around.

And maybe that’s what I needed to hear inside me: I can do it. I can take the few things in my life that are my responsibility and manage them and turn things around.

The last two weeks have been super busy and yet super awesome.  I have my sisters back home!!  My two BFFs/former roommates have moved back in and it feels like a home.  I know it’s a lot to work and live with the same people—we are 3 people that are together almost 24 hours a day. But it is like a family here and I just love them so much.  To know that I have two people at any given moment who understand me, will listen when I need to vent or will give me space when I just need to sort through my thoughts, is the best feeling in the world. I’m truly blessed and I can’t even express my gratitude to them. I try to live with the grateful feeling, always conscious of it, so that they know. Because even the best writer can’t translate the magnificent feeling of love and belonging they bring to my life.

I’m also happily in a relationship.  I don’t know how much I should put that out there but seeing as how I made the local news and newspaper with him, I guess it’s no secret.  We’re also Facebook Official, much to Dawn’s delight   I’m hesitant to write more about him without permission but it’s my blog so I can gush about my own feelings as much as I feel comfortable.  And I could go on & on & on & on.  And I might!  Just kidding.  No one wants to read that.  I will say that this man came into my life at the perfect time.  All the issues I have swirling around in this little head seemed to come together.  It makes me wonder if we reflect the gift of life in others or if they reflect life’s gifts to us.  For example, self-image, self-worth, vulnerability, shame, faith, hope, love, and the other various subjects I’ve contemplated all come bubbling up to my brain and my heart.  Sometimes all at once.  Sometimes so much so I can’t even get my thoughts together.  I’d like to express so much to him about these things, yet I can’t even seem to get it together enough inside me to say what’s on my mind.  And those who read my blog and know me can see this is a new twist. 

Is that what love is?  We think of love as something that turns life upside down, but what if it’s something that turns everything right side up?  What if it’s something that doesn’t bring up new issues to ponder, but helps to resolve the ones you’ve been battling?  I wonder if I can gather my thoughts for a moment to try to better explain what I mean.  I’d like to use the example of self-worth because it has plagued my entire life. Dr. Brene Brown covers this subject in her books “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly.”  She explains it far better than I ever could.  The “not enough” and feeling of scarcity has been with me from the day I was born.  In fact, I’ve always kinda ignored Iyanla Vanzant and others when they allude to past lives or venture into what happens when we’re in the womb but really after 20 years of thinking about it & going to therapy, I can’t come up with any explanation or events that would embed such a feeling of “not good enough” into my soul.  Except, maybe we all come into this world with issues and our mission is to resolve them.  And if it’s inside you before you even know enough to sit back and examine the thoughts in your head, your life is going to be chaos until you identify the issue and have experience to reconcile it.  In other words, maybe babies come here with issues.  For me, it’s the ‘not good enough’ issue.  Until I took a LOT of time—years!—to sit back and watch my life and the people I bring in it and examine everyone from the very start and put my finger on what it was that hurt inside, I couldn’t resolve it. 

Once you can place a name to the pain, you can look back and see how everything you ever did was interpreted by something inside you that you couldn’t even see.  I can sit here at 34 years old and tell you how I misinterpreted a million events all because I never believed I was good enough.  No one told me that—in fact, I was a good child; loved and praised by my family so there’s no childhood trauma to even look to for explanation (which is how I concluded I just came here with that thought in my baby brain).  Lord the years in therapy I could have saved if I’d just arrived at that thought sooner!  Oh well, you have to work backwards in therapy, that’s just the nature of the practice.  I could write my own book based on these last two paragraphs, but I’m getting off track.

The point is that I thought I’d made amends with the issue.  And then I met Christopher Gray.  Over the course of getting to know him, the whisper of “you’re not good enough for this guy” steadily grows.  You’d think it’d simmer down but that’s not how things work.  The greater the possibility our issue might be exterminated, the harder it fights to stay alive.  I’ll openly admit that I fight the battle all the time.  I give myself a pep talk but that’s not always enough.  And it overwhelms me sometimes.  I cracked under the self-imposed pressure at one point and said something mean that I really didn’t mean.  I hate that about myself!  Looking back, what was really happening was the little girl inside me was still looking to be told “Hey, you’re awesome enough to be with me.”  That’s pretty hard to admit, but it’s what was happening..though it took me a day or two to figure that out.  And now I catch myself thinking, “If he knew what was going on inside would it be good enough for him or will he run?”  See what I mean about issues I thought I’d resolved fighting back with bigger battles than they were?  Life gets busy and facing other hard things unrelated make it much easier for the worthless thoughts to get in the way.

Soapbox:  I think we live in a scarcity culture.  You can’t be good enough, fast enough, skinny enough, sexy enough, have enough clothes or toys or a big enough house.  Advertising and media always point out what you don’t have and make you think you need to be happy.  And if you’re worthy enough, you could have these things we’re trying to hustle.  The only thing I’ve found that brings peace is knowing that if you have your basic needs met, than you do have enough.  Simply discredit the images and notions that you see.  Until the day I realized I cannot do enough, buy enough, or please people enough I was unhappy. 

Once the reality of the fact that I am perfectly enough (as much of an imperfect being as I am) set in, I thought I was free.  It was definitely freeing. But you have to keep it in perspective and realize what it boils down to is that buying, doing, and pleasing aren’t the road to recovery.  I instead have only one solution right now to rectify and disarm my inner demons and that is practice gratitude and have faith.  I have previously outlined my gratitude practice and admit that I’ve let it slip the last two weeks.  I have to figuratively slow my roll and realize I’m grateful for every single solitary second I have the pleasure of being in the presence of someone who apparently thinks I’m cool enough to spend time with.  And who has gone the extra mile to make me feel special.  Instead of sinking down into thoughts of not being enough, I need to simply say thank you to the universe and have faith it’s all working in my favor.  It always has; and I can’t imagine the thought of letting this “not enough” get in the way of something awesome.  So I fight it the best I can. 

That’s all I have in me today folks, and it took hours to even get this one finished!