It has recently been decided (no, there wasn’t a vote or anything) that I am happier than I have ever been. My mind is clear, my focus is on what’s important to me, & I feel that my dreams are closer than ever. And to me, that might be the closest thing to bliss I’ll ever know. The greatest shift is realizing that “bliss” lies in the repetition of peace, happiness, and fulfillment in my life as opposed to blissful moments.

I’ve had the incredible blessing of blissful moments throughout the last 34 years. But it doesn’t compare to the extended period where I find that I am ok in the world just as it stands. Finally, I’m content with my troubles; things like being single, not having kids, my dog approaching her twilight, a stagnant career, and no money. So what? No one has it perfect. Maybe they have some of these things I just named, but no one’s life is perfect nor shall it be. It’s taking a bumpy road and smiling as you bounce along that creates authentic joy. I have learned to do that. I am grateful for what I have and more importantly grateful for what I lack.

My greatest teacher has been gratitude. And it dawned on me–& I had to meditate on this for several months to actually experience it–things have to come to fruition. No magic potion is delivered. And I could kick my old self (but nobody got time for that either) for unconsciously being irritable because things weren’t happening for me. Things WERE happening for me. Pieces, people, places were coming together. And the most free feeling of all is knowing that life is always doing that for me. Something awesome is always in the works for me.

I don’t have time to be bitter. Also, I’ve noticed my appreciation of people has been extended. Am I looking for a mate? Well, sure I guess you could say that. I’ll keep my eyes open. But pursuing and being observant to the universes nudges are two very different mindsets. I find honesty, passion for hobbies, spirituality, and sense of humor & adventure are trumping good looks, fast cars, and fun. I find people who are comfortable with themselves and content in their life to be super attractive. Make me laugh? Well you’ll score more points with that (and a deep discussion of ideas that matter to you) than you will buying me a drink.

I just look in the mirror and think “that girl is beautiful, has an infectious and annoying laugh she uses often, has a spiritual energy that’s on fire, has dreams in her heart that are coming into bloom, and makes better decisions now than ever before.” It’s the freest I have ever been.

I had an unusual request today—to blog about someone, good & bad, all of what I thought.  Now, at first I was like, “Ok, she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and the first negative thing I bring up we’ll be done.”  Prior to that, another person was discussing some anger towards his family and how they’ve treated him.  It all boils down to one thing—we care what other people think of us. 

Part of me thinks it’s simply human.  Maybe just a part of being alive.  Animals might even give a shit what other animals think.  Otherwise, why (& how) would they mate or play?  I guess we’re exactly the same—we all want to mate & play.  To do that, we have to be liked.  Or well tolerated, at minimum.  Even if it means we’re hated by the majority.  Westboro Baptists and Neo-Nazis still want the fondness of those in their (dysfunctional) little groups.   Those who don’t care are probably at the top of the mentally ill and dangerous lists. 

But what I want to strongly emphasize is that when you care what people think, you must understand you’re dealing with other humans.  Ms. Blog Thang’s blog wouldn’t be as much about her as it would be about what I relate to in her.  I could never encompass her motherhood, her marriage, or loss of a sibling because I have not walked in those flip flops.  I would only be able to vividly portray the parts of me I recognize in her; the part that gives me a sense of belonging when I’m with her and when we talk.  I can’t see her walk with God or what ignites inside when she does something she is quite passionate about. 

And that’s true for Mr. Family Guy too.  I only have my own experience to judge from.  I can relate on certain issues because we’ve experienced the same emotions, but the details would escape me.  The stories that mold us, while perhaps similar, will never be 100% parallel.  I tend imagine our journeys on earth plotted like a map.  And I place a dotted line on it of my path.  I can then trace some of yours.  Sure, maybe we started in the same point, we intersected at times, but the route we each take is different.  And if we mapped everyone’s starting points, you’ll soon see a ton of intersections among people.  Though no route is the same, we’re all criss-crossing each other somewhere. 

And to me that is the joy in life.  No path is exactly the same but if you look around you will realize you aren’t alone.  No one but you can accurately pinpoint your heart and your ideas.  But when you feel like no one is there, or has been where you have, you can close your eyes and remember that for longer than we can imagine people have walked the earth and experienced it.  Maybe it wasn’t I that was on a certain part of your journey, but if you’re reading this, I’m damn sure right beside you now.  You can’t feel my breath, you can’t know the prejudices I come with, but you can know the path is yours to rightfully claim and that I’m here to dance along with you.  I think that’s the very best thing we can do as friends.

And, I started a new Facebook community if anyone wants to go “like” it:

https://www.facebook.com/Good.Vibrations.Prayers

My cousin and BFF, Amy, told me some time ago about the “ball of happiness.”  The way she explained it, no matter what, we are in control of our happiness.  It’s a ball you keep inside your heart and no one can touch your ball.  I think some visualization is necessary for this exercise of the soul.

First, you have to close your eyes to see your own Ball of Happiness.  For example, when I close my eye and I think “what does my ball of happiness look like?” I see that mine is like a giant, glittery moon with some purple added in it.  I thought of the brightest moon I’d ever seen (or seen a picture of), added some sparkle, and naturally added a touch of my favorite color.  It’s a moon because I think of it as having some sort of swirling fog going on—it’s a living organism that has motion.  Even though I can’t see inside it, I think about my vacations, my laughter, and my dog and I know my ball of happiness is always alive when I nourish it with these thoughts.  So inside my heart lives this beautiful, moon-ish ball and no one can get to it.  That’s an important element to maintaining happiness—not letting other people get to you.  You see, your ball of happiness is the core of your happiness.  From it radiates all the joy, thanksgiving, and creativity you experience and share.  Other people benefit from your ball—and maybe the people you love can get close enough to see it—but they must never have control over your ball.  “You have to protect your balls!” Amy says. 

Her metaphor, which I love visualizing and expanding on, is all about the essence that you create your own happiness.  People will try to steal your balls.  The bigger, brighter, and shinier your ball is the more people will try to take it.  Normally, this is NOT their intention.  For those who roll thug with the best balls, you may think there are happiness vampires who try to come along and steal it.  And in a way, they are.  There are creatures designed to try to come along, bond with you, get inside you, and take a piece of you with them—they’re called humans. Humans need a sense of purpose, belonging, and love.  When your ball emits it, it’s the human condition to want a piece of it.  All these people who rant about being used, abused, and think their energy is just being selfishly sucked away by those around them need to wake the fuck up!  [Yes, I dropped the F bomb!]  This very matter has ended friendships and relationships because people fail to see what other people need.  The very fact someone needs your brightness in their life—maybe their balls are small!?—is the greatest compliment on the planet.  And yet, some still complain about how other people come and use up so much of what they have.  Well, listen up, guard your balls.  Share of them what you can, but remember that you alone build and hold the ball.  If you let people in to eat your core, you’re gonna face the consequences of that.  But stop blaming a human for wanting to be around your soul.  It’s a basic NEED.

Your ball is created between you & the universe.  It’s your responsibility to protect and nourish it.  If you cannot do so, and your ball fluctuates in size and shape, that’s also between you and the universe.  If you give some away, then you must use the universe to fill it back up.  No other person or object can fill the needs of the heart.  There are things called emotions and prayers that build a strong ball and keep it safe.  And are you ready for the catch?  While you alone are responsible for your ball, your life is incomplete without meaningful engagement with others.  Your ball has to be exposed and it has to radiate so that it is felt by someone else.  It’s a tricky scenario and I see a lot of people ensnared by unhappiness simply because they’re comparing balls and not maintaining their own.  I can certainly relate.  I was on a break from maintaining my ball and a friend loaned me all the knowledge of her ball.  This was an epic fail on both parts.  I cannot be complete without my own ball, and she can’t give so much of herself that nothing is left at the core.

I’m gonna go play with my ball now.  Thank you, Amy for the gift of the Ball of Happiness analogy which I have had so much fun with lately!

Over the last three months or so, I have become an expert in gratitude. Yeah, I loosely use the word expert. However, my evolving practice has made a serious impact in my life. It starts small, but once it becomes a habit you practice throughout your day, you cannot help but feel joy. I wonder how many people out there would feel better by incorporating a gratitude ritual?

It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s taken me time. Much to my surprise, I’ve developed a lot of patience. We get so wrapped up in our world of instant gratification that it can be dangerous. Take my habit of googling. If I come across a word I don’t know, I can’t help but google it. I used to google anything I heard of that I didn’t know. Mid-conversation, in-person! I’d stop paying attention to someone and begin googling. Mostly I’ve tried to stop that and just look at the person and ask, “What does _____ mean?” That frames things differently. For one thing, you really are being present with the person speaking and instead of looking like a know-it-all, I expose my ignorance. It’s a vulnerable position indeed. Well worth the payoff. We want knowledge, answers, and issues to be black or white instantly. Big lesson: technology can advance to as far as our imagination will allow, and you will still need to let life run its course.

My joy has increased in small doses, with lots of practice. It started with taking in moments and trusting there is a process to this thing called life. I have to chill out and let it unfold. “Time takes time” was some good advice I received this year. It took time for me to understand that. Expectations and foreboding had to be forgotten. I had to REALLY open myself to understanding situations will not be predictable and my control over them is not left to me. Once I was not so busy trying to remain in control of Earth, my mind was clearer.

I started appreciating people. When they opened up to me, when they asked for help, and other various positions that requires people to put their armor down and ask for what they need. It was a trait I began to examine and test out for myself. Uncomfortable at first and still not something I’m great at doing, but I show signs of improvement. I try to say thank you more to people. I want them to see their value. I decided I couldn’t post a bunch of inspirational pics on Facebook and then be disgruntled towards my co-workers. I had to lead by example. I’ve tried very hard to move in that direction. Once I crossed these thresholds, there was a lot more room for a grateful heart to grow.

It may be hard some days. I may not always appear grateful. Sometimes, when I’m pretty depressed, I have to start small. Like REALLY small. EX: I get toe cramps for some reason. I’ve literally had moments where I’m laying in bed crying for some silly thing that means a lot to me and had to start my gratitude with, “at least my toe isn’t cramping.” Then I might have to look around and say, “I’m grateful Chloe isn’t in pain.” My list grows. I’m grateful for my books to read, I’m grateful I have hands to write, I’m grateful my neighbors look out for me, I’m grateful for the posters on the wall, I’m grateful for my vacation, I’m grateful for my ottoman so my feet are comfortable, I’m grateful I had money to pay the bills even if it means eating bologna until next payday. Somewhere out there in this world is someone who doesn’t have any of that and their most earnest prayer is that they get what I have. Once you start doing that everyday, you then recognize moments and give gratitude in them. I saw a glorious starry sky in May—the most captivating night sky I can remember. And in that very moment, I knew to be thankful.

As readers know, I’ve struggled with faith and self-image. Today, I can say my faith is at an all time high and for once, I love myself totally. For that, I am grateful.

I think some bloggers plan out what to say and really craft it.  Not this one. And, this is a BLAHG anyway.  I have about as much idea as what will spew forth as you do.  Ok, I have a clue but still, you just never know.

The only reason I write tonight is because it’s been a while, both on the blahg & off.  I can’t have that.  Feelings, ideas, and lingering odors of the soul start building up.  Sorry for the people who didn’t want to waste the next 3.5 minutes but I have to purge.  Here’s what’s first on my mind: relationships.  Oh, that’s a shocker, I know.  But what is shocking is that I’ve made it a goal that every time I start going down that path of what I do (or rather, DON’T) have, I am going to shift my focus to writing.  Whether it be scribbling down a line or two, working on a story, or even just journaling whenever I want to focus on a dude, writing it shall be.  So be wary of the blahg until I get the hang of it.  I’m not sure if it’s going to be sad or happy, loving or hateful for the next little bit.

And, on a side topic, I’ve gained 6 pounds (which is a loss of 2 lbs since I noticed the size 4s were not going over my ass no matter how much I tugged).  Now, 6 lbs is not a huge deal, I know & people keep telling me to stop losing weight as if I’m trying!  But that’s not the issue.  The issue is that I’m an emotional eater.  It is extremely effective as a distraction to feelings but the side effect is weight.  Plus, when I’m emotional and avoiding it I’ll eat all kinds of bad, energy-draining foods.  Since it took me over 10 years to figure it out, it’s a big deal when I see it.  Now, when a craving comes on, I have to stop and ask, “what am I feeling?”  The answer is typically stress or sadness.  I’m prescribed xanax but I quit taking it during the day, especially at work.  That’s a whole other blahg.  Perhaps many.  Needless to say, FTS—It’s effective as hell but I don’t want another addiction.  So here I am, off the meds and eating.  Goal? [I mean, WTF would I do that?!] Combat stress and sadness without aid.  Old fashioned deep breathing, taking a break, and allowing myself to feel. 

With that comes some acceptance and self-forgiveness.  It can take anywhere from ten seconds to ten days to come to terms with stuff.  My job?  I would rather be writing.  But it drains me mentally and leaves little afterward.  But like I said, I’m making it a habit to be more “writer conscious” in lieu of sadness, specifically over a scarcity in my life known only as “love.”  And really, I have to kind of smile about that.  Only recently have I been pretty serious about it being time to settle down and start a family.  And I’m such a hard-headed control freak I seem to want to do something about it.  And I have.  I haven’t been taking dating so lightly.  Which means, knowing me, I’m taking it too seriously.  And putting FAR too much focus into it.  And therefore, failing to count the many blessings that are all around me.  Today I watched the sunset and it was absolutely brilliant.  Are Texas sunsets this gorgeous?  I don’t remember them being as charming.  But then again, the sound of the sea and your feet in the sand makes any moment more memorable and sweet. 

Anyway, that’s the end I guess.  For now.