I can’t believe 2013 is halfway over.  It seems like it just started.  It’s been a combination of a fun year and one full of hard lessons.  All of which have opened me up to new experiences, new people, and learning more about myself.  I consider that invaluable.  I’m going to have say, based on the first half, 2013 is a hell of a good year despite the struggles. 

One noteworthy thing is that I’m taking 2013 off from being involved in theater. Now, I say that, but if I got asked to come help because someone had to quit or whatever, I might do it.  I miss my friends that I only see when I’m around BLT or GLT, but I really, REALLY, really love the time off.  Having a bunch of free time isn’t always a good thing for me.  For one thing, my mind tends to have spare room that I have a tendency to fill with worry or anxiety that has no place in my life.  But when you put a bunch of people together like that, drama offstage seems to also follow.  I’m much better dealing with my own problems this year instead of the ones others start.  Even if it doesn’t involve me, I can’t handle the pettiness.  I’m Switzerland. 

I changed my name in January.  That was a great thing.  It did things emotionally and psychologically I didn’t expect.  It’s odd I didn’t expect it because when I think about it, changing it to Cavender in 1999 was a big deal with emotional and psychological ramifications.  Naturally changing it back should have the same benefits.   I just didn’t really think that much about it when I did it. Truly it was like freeing a cage and letting the ghost of a broken marriage go away.  Now, I feel more like Apryl—daughter of Bennie & Becky, mean sister of Austin.  Apryl who once lived in a corn field, grew up on country music and still likes it, and who has so little common sense but loves to read.  Apryl who can make it on her own but understands she will never flourish without the help of others and who enjoys both parts of that equation of life.

I also lost my two closest friends this year.  It’s been the worst break up ever!  But I see now, looking back, I wasn’t living my best and authentic self to the world and even to them.  In fact, I hid in my friends.  They made it super easy—they are strong, opinionated, well-spoken, creative women! It was a natural slide into being a wallflower trying to avoid my pain and have them pick up some slack.  Problem is that I went through a couple months of really trying to bury me and the pains I was experiencing.  Lesson of 2013 that’s repeating—burying pain gives it a lot of power. Pain grows in the darkness.  Avoiding it only let it get bigger and bigger.  Ignoring it meant the roots weren’t ever addressed.  Losing my friends made me have to take a lot of time alone to figure out where I’d been, what I’d been avoiding, and looking at the parts of me that weren’t pretty and ultimately forgiving every crevice inside me before I can ever plan to do better.

I took another spontaneous vacation the week of Memorial Day.  I think I should start taking that week off work every year and do whatever I want.  It’s like internally my soul needs a break after 5 months.  I needed to bust out of town and get back to some inner peace.  It worked.  It was one of the most awesome weeks of my life.  I spent time with people I loved, nature, and God.  It doesn’t really get any better than that.  The worst part was that I had go back to work.

And let’s just address the issue of work.  I’m at a crossroads.  I should be grateful for my job.  I know this.  Everything I’ve ever been taught tells me so.  And I don’t want to be the bitch complaining about her super high salary and the stress that goes with it when there are millions who would give anything to have that stress and the money.  But after 11 years, I think change may be something worth investigating.  I’m not doing what I love to do, I’m not making a difference in anyone’s life, and (if you want to know the truth) I feel like I walk around with someone else’s dreams in my head and a sock in my mouth so I can’t say how I feel about it.  You do that 11 years and see how happy you are.  I can’t do it another 11.  And maybe this is what it takes to get over being scared and jumping into something new and passionate.  I’m not ready to die—I haven’t done half of what I plan to do in this lifetime.  Writing is my passion, it’s where I am 100% vulnerable and 100% Apryl. 

So, I think that summarizes the recap well enough.  I have another blog in mind on a subject that will get its own entry.  Stay tuned.