Memorial Day is one of those holidays that has mixed feelings for me. I’m a patriot, I love this land, I am humbled some gave all so I can sit here and type. It also brings up a few very awkward things. I’m so emo…

First, I tear up because I should have been in the Air Force. I enlisted but didn’t get the job I wanted. I cried so hard as I signed up. I was angry I couldn’t do what I had planned. So maybe things would have ended the same no matter what. However, I met a man I ended up calling my husband between then and my ship date. I backed out from the Air Force. Did I back out for him or me? Had I gone in, would I have came to Biloxi and stopped here anyway?? I was so angry at 19 to think about sitting behind a desk the rest of my life and yet….I would have been better off doing so for our country than for, well let’s just say, the ones I served anyway. Would I have met someone else? Found love out there? I would have soaked up seeing the big world. I would have excelled no doubt. And probably ended up an officer. Or maybe I’d have served a few years, got married, and have a minivan and three teenagers by now. So Memorial Day is the day I hear it should have been you out there. I should have served. I should have been one of them. Not even for this country but for me! Selfish but true.

Then, of course, when I wake up and thank God for all those who did or are serving the country, I think of Shawn first. It’s far better than it once was. I didn’t go into the AF because we met. What a wild ride that was! Those wounds are finally healed. But the memories remain. To the one man who I have loved more than all others, thank you. Thank you for loving me, bringing me here, and teaching me more than anyone. Wherever you are, may you be safe and happy and loved today while celebrating with your kids.

Then, finally, there is one more person that surfaces this day. I must respect his privacy but all I will say is that not all wounds of war are those you can see. Strangely, I’d take a hit if I thought it would calm you inside. If I could take a bullet, lose blood, go through rehab and God would somehow stop the nightmares and other hell you sometimes battle, I wouldn’t think twice about going to do it. Those who come back from battle have more inside them than any other soul. Today, if you do nothing else, respect that. Remember that for the rest of your life when you meet a vet. And hey, you did a good job.

So that’s my Memorial Day. And this year I have even more to try to forget when I drink and eat.