I admit, I get off course and go askew often in life.  Relatively frequently.  In fact, it’s like my whole life as been a blurry drunken walk.  I stumble around sometimes like an idiot. Metaphorically, yo.  But I’ve had some revelations today.

*GUILT.     Let’s start with the Funyuns.  I grabbed a bag of Funyuns for a snack today.  Now, most of you know I went from almost 150 lbs in Jan to 117 now.  One of the things I gave up–with rare exceptions–are potato chips and fries.  I added fries in but only once a week usually and in small quantities.  Today, I took down that snack size bag of Funyuns like the inner fat girl I am.  And the guilt started in the middle of the bag and only swelled until afterwards until I was a complete failure inside my brain.  As sad as it is, the real epiphany came a couple hours later when I realized a bag of Funyuns will inflict guilt, but not giving someone space when they ask for it [something I’ve bitched and ranted and hated on sooooo many times in this blog its seriously not even funny] did not cause guilt.  I thought about that for a minute.  I got to get my priorities straight.  Damn.  Failed myself but glad I got the lesson.  Thank you Funyuns.  It made me think of the other things I’d been a little selfish about.  And how many times I wouldn’t be my own friend lately.  FTS.  I’m awake now.  And getting back to the things that make me whole, not cut me into broken shards of a human scraping by.  Jesus, take the wheel! *And for the record, those surprise knocks on the door have made my entire 2013 incredibly awesome.  Least I could do is respect the person who lit me up like that.  So no matter what I don’t “get”, I got that moment. Which leads to….

*LOVE     I’ve become pretty tight lipped on my “love” life.  It shall remain that way but the adage “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is true.  I wouldn’t trade one moment of the good times if I had known how pathetic and lame I’d ended up.  I’d let my heart open, twist, and bleed the same way (twice) for the moments.  Which leads to….

*LONELINESS.       I just passed a mirror in the house while putting something away and coming back to write and the thought struck me, “I’m alone because I chose to be.”  Maybe not consciously designed, but fact is, I’m a lot.  I’m a whole lotta woman. Not many men are out there strong enough to handle it. Part of it is insanity (perhaps…aka genius) and part of it is I just have expectations. I got a pretty rocking bod these days compared to what it used to be and really, I don’t have to be alone any night of the week if I didn’t want to be.  So why am I?  Because I don’t want just anybody.  If it helps, I made a list of traits I want in a man tonight in therapy and therein lies the answer.  I’m not going to settle down with the wrong guy, but I sure date a lot of the wrong ones. Therein lies part of the problem.  And no offense meant to any former flames, but obviously we didn’t mesh on that level.  I have a full life of good friends (some of those former flames are my best friends), a demanding job, a sick dog, and hobbies that include commitments a few nights a month at minimum.  I’m whimsical, sometimes very bored, I speak my mind, and I will read a book before enduring some lame conversation.  I’m crazy but in the harmless way and when I go for something, it’s real and it’s 100%.  But I don’t do that very often at all.  You gotta be strong, outspoken, smart, unafraid, and make me feel safe to get me to open up.  Bottom line: loneliness is a choice because I don’t need anyone, but I do want someone.  Looking in all the wrong places might need to be pondered soon.  Until then, so much character development research for my best selling novel is being gathered and lots of hope he’s out there and will similarly know what he’s missing when he sees it. 🙂

I’m a better, happier person than I was yesterday.  And I’m going to continue on that track until I get it right.  Until then, excuse the drunken stumble or at least hold my hair.  And expect some F. Scott Fitzgerald-epicness.