Last night, my brother & I had one of the most intimate conversations we’ve ever had I think. The subject was how heartbroken he was because his kids were far away, there’s a step father in their life that lives with them day in and day out now, and just how to deal with it. Ironically, I know someone and I think he might be going through the same thing. No situation is exactly like another, but there are a LOT of men out there like these guys I know. I realized my brother vocalized some, but men in general just never vocalize as much as women. But what they do say tends to speak volumes. For me, I just ramble until some of it makes sense. And when it comes to this subject, I have to admit I can’t understand. I can imagine and analyze but no, I don’t know what that feels like. You think you can’t live without someone, but how do you live without your own kids?

It’s one reason I don’t have kids. I haven’t found someone—nor was I the person—willing to sacrifice their own pleasures and take on some pain for the sake of my kids having a daddy with them. I think I’m finally ready to be the woman who puts someone else first. Character has become sexy the last couple of years. Sexy is still sexy, not to be misunderstood. But now when I think of a relationship, I think of it as a partnership. A real give & take, ebb & flow, sometimes it’s me & sometimes it’s you kinda deal. Time makes sense now whereas in the past it didn’t. I’d jump all in never thinking twice! I think I mentioned my spontaneity recently. These days, I’d like to see a man in several situations and see how he handles the tough decisions before I can let myself see him as a figure in my life. And, for the first time EVER, I’ve dated guys who had kids. That might not be a big deal for you people, but for me I’ve always had the rule “no kids.” You can call that selfish or smart but I just don’t think it’s cool to get involved with someone who has baggage you know you aren’t prepared to deal with. Now, mid-30s, I see ex’s & kids different. Maybe it’s my brother who has brought this on. I think seeing the strife and struggle he has in his life made me realize I actually do have what it takes to be a good negotiator and I can take the backseat quite well for the sake of someone else’s getting the love they need.

Two years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Oh yes, my older blogs about Shawn always refer to his parenting—lack thereof, rather—and my ideals on that. But what we get into at age 19 and step out of at 27 changes us. Maybe I saw what it took and knew I didn’t have it? Maybe I felt like a failure because he didn’t believe in his kid the way I did? Or the role of the father in a child’s life? Certainly I tried to force him into action and ultimately, that’s when I knew I had to walk away. Despite our own deep & difficult problems, he didn’t take care of his kid. Or bother to find out if it was his. I wasn’t standing by the side of a man like that. (He did, it was, and I have no idea how their relationship is now). Now, I kinda see the fact a man has a kid as part of the testing period before jumping. How does he feel about his kids and the situation he’s in with or without them? How does he manage that struggle?

For Austin, it’s both visibly and discreetly excruciating. He doesn’t have a lot of money, and it just recently came to my attention that does, in fact, have some reflection on how good a parent you can be. I had to really step back and see this. When you’re married with kids and you don’t have money or mismanage what you have, it’s the adult problems. It effects kids—how many of you grew up poor, or at least had times in your life where Spam was for dinner (a lot)?? See, it affects you but at least I got to sit down with my mom & dad at the same table when the Spam got served. Now, for Austin, not having money and kids being 3 hours away means he has to scramble to see them. And when the opportunity does come to see them more than a weekend or two a month, he has to sacrifice something else. Maybe lunch for himself to make sure they have milk and mac & cheese while they are with him. And if he doesn’t have gas money and too much pride to ask for it? He doesn’t see his kids. I love my sister-in-law and for the most part I think she does a good job. Maybe she doesn’t have the money to do more but I swear on everything I’ll ever have, if I was a parent I’d do whatever it took to keep the kids relationships with both parents strong. If that meant I had to spend extra to get them to their daddy, so be it. If it meant sending some food with them so he didn’t have to buy it, then that’s what I’d do.

It’s easy to get on my soapbox seeing as how it’s really not my box to be on, you know? But it’s my blog. I get to do that. (Unless Austin says take it down). Here’s my feelings on some of this I see: first off, that 50/50 bullshit ended with the divorce papers. [And if you want to know the harsh reality, it’s my opinion marriage isn’t always a 50/50 thing. If you’re lucky, you get to share a life with someone who helps you in any way they can. Maybe that’s 50/50 or maybe you do all the cleaning, I don’t know. Who am I to judge? I just know as I age I see things a little different.] I strayed off subject. Post-divorce you are now obligated to do one thing: make sure your children get as much love and as little emotional harm as necessary. Unless the other parent is neglectful and dangerous, you owe it to your kids to give them a relationship that is as full as it can be. If that means you have to drive farther, do a little more, or inconvenience yourself then THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. There cannot be room for whining. You are a selfish person if you have the means to help the relationship with the other parent and you do not nurture it. I guess after seeing this a lot with others and after it came close to home, I decided I wanted kids and if the man I loved had kids then I was willing to do whatever it’d take to make their life as good as it can possibly be.

Part of my discussion with Austin lent to the obvious thing about dating someone with kids: you are not number one. And if you think you should be, then you are selfish and unrealistic. Why would you even want to date a person who didn’t put his kids first in his mind and heart??? What kind of man is that anyway? But like Austin & I were discussing, what if his heart is broken by the state of his relationship and/or ability to care for his kids? Now, what kind of man is THAT? Can he love someone else—a woman for example—with a heart that’s severed and hurting? [at this very spot I was just reminded it’s Mothers Day…freaky?] What I concluded about this after talking to Austin, is that it might be impossible for someone to love a woman when his heart is already broke. Part of it is that there is a chance for more hurt, and he can’t take that. You can live without a romantic lover, but you can’t really live without your kids. You can get by, but it’s no kind of life when pieces are missing. The hurt that is there is unimaginable to me. Part of it is that with strife and uneasiness and problems out of his control, he can’t take on more of those with a woman. And what he didn’t say but I conclude, is that he’d feel guilty to be spending carefree and blissful times on weekends with a woman and he’d feel more guilt for not being there for the kids (even though it isn’t his weekend and he has zero reason for that self-inflicted pain). He’s telling himself that he can’t take care of himself or his kids and how’s he gonna love some girl? Austin can feel free to comment and tell me how far off I am, but I think guilt might be the biggest factor in his life. What I find ironic is that I want my brother to find a good, honest, bold, sacrificing, and loving woman (just like his sister in other words) because that would be someone to help him be a better dad. The right woman will not stand for injustice and fight for him when he’s too beat down or he’s beating himself up. At least that’s how I picture sis-n-law #2. She’d gladly share her income to make him and the kids lives together better; it wouldn’t even cross her mind not to do so. And if she ever tried to hang it over his head, she better be prepared for the Sister Bitch Slap!!! just kidding. no, no I’m not kidding….

I don’t know anything about what I just wrote about. I’m like in the stands of the parenting game. I can only see what goes on across the field. And you don’t really learn to be a player from the bleachers. As in most things about this life, I research, observe, and study gaining a lot of knowledge, but no experience. Wow, I totally depressed myself LOL. Austin said there’s hope for a girl he knows, so I hold out my own I guess. In the meantime, my prayers for my brother and all the single dads I know just increased.