2013 has turned into a year of spiritual confusion (amongst other confusion). Basically what it boils down to experiences, events, emotions and changes I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend that all of these things are how it is supposed to be. Yet, I hear God smiling and telling me, “Yep, this is exactly how it’s supposed to be.” It’s a very odd thing: conflict and confusion followed by a deep inner voice saying to push thru because I’m doing the right thing.

It’s been that way with friendships and work. My dog. Everything. It’s like I have this feeling in my gut and it seems stupid, ridiculous and worrisome beyond belief to me. But, yet again, I hear a voice telling me it wouldn’t be touching my heart had it not been meant to do so. I don’t get how any of this is supposed to end up good. Will I turn around someday and bless this broken road??? Really? Cause I am not sure. I just know that if he keeps telling me to “do this” and “love that” and “trust them”…I guess I will. I feel like I’m at a crossroads and God is saying to take a path that is unlit, frightening, dangerous to the soul if I am not extremely diligent. I don’t necessarily like that. I like easy, fun, bright paths. Trust & love someone who makes me wanna retreat so far inside myself and never come out again?! How is it he puts these emotions inside a human with absolutely no guarantee that my patience and love will not end up tearing me apart? Seriously? I’m supposed to do that?? I just wish I could get a glimpse down the road.

Alas, faith is a treacherous journey and not for the fearful. So, I just have to trust. Amazingly, when I feel some of these things that are so irrational I become calm because I hear that voice and I know it never leads me wrong. It makes no sense and I should turn around and go down a different road; but I’ve never been afraid of the unconventional and I’m not a coward. I just question my sanity!!! Love is crazy, even from the divine I guess.