Memorial Day is one of those holidays that has mixed feelings for me. I’m a patriot, I love this land, I am humbled some gave all so I can sit here and type. It also brings up a few very awkward things. I’m so emo…

First, I tear up because I should have been in the Air Force. I enlisted but didn’t get the job I wanted. I cried so hard as I signed up. I was angry I couldn’t do what I had planned. So maybe things would have ended the same no matter what. However, I met a man I ended up calling my husband between then and my ship date. I backed out from the Air Force. Did I back out for him or me? Had I gone in, would I have came to Biloxi and stopped here anyway?? I was so angry at 19 to think about sitting behind a desk the rest of my life and yet….I would have been better off doing so for our country than for, well let’s just say, the ones I served anyway. Would I have met someone else? Found love out there? I would have soaked up seeing the big world. I would have excelled no doubt. And probably ended up an officer. Or maybe I’d have served a few years, got married, and have a minivan and three teenagers by now. So Memorial Day is the day I hear it should have been you out there. I should have served. I should have been one of them. Not even for this country but for me! Selfish but true.

Then, of course, when I wake up and thank God for all those who did or are serving the country, I think of Shawn first. It’s far better than it once was. I didn’t go into the AF because we met. What a wild ride that was! Those wounds are finally healed. But the memories remain. To the one man who I have loved more than all others, thank you. Thank you for loving me, bringing me here, and teaching me more than anyone. Wherever you are, may you be safe and happy and loved today while celebrating with your kids.

Then, finally, there is one more person that surfaces this day. I must respect his privacy but all I will say is that not all wounds of war are those you can see. Strangely, I’d take a hit if I thought it would calm you inside. If I could take a bullet, lose blood, go through rehab and God would somehow stop the nightmares and other hell you sometimes battle, I wouldn’t think twice about going to do it. Those who come back from battle have more inside them than any other soul. Today, if you do nothing else, respect that. Remember that for the rest of your life when you meet a vet. And hey, you did a good job.

So that’s my Memorial Day. And this year I have even more to try to forget when I drink and eat.

One of the most complicated individuals I know told me that. It’s also a tattoo that person wears. The simple thought “if it were meant to be then it would” crossed my mind a few moments ago. And when I was thinking how “simple” that is, I remembered the “Simple is Beautiful” tattoo. I have a desire so deep for something simple. Faith, hope, love… A million people have those “simple” words all over their homes. I am not one of them. For I find them to be the hardest and most complex experiences of this life.

Do I over analyze and make things harder than they have to be? Yes. Catastrophism, cognitive distortion, and my very favorite depression are things that have come up in my therapy. You can change negative thinking but depression is a whole other beast. And look what I did just now? I made it a beast instead of a cockroach in my mind. What if I merely thought, “well it’s an obstacle but its nothing I can’t get through and go on with joy”? But I don’t. I wonder if its a huge gash on my soul or if I just see it worse than it really is? It needs tending to, but maybe a little TLC instead of surgery ya know? No, you probably don’t know. I got way off track.

I will say something that has weighed heavy on me and that is when my depression creeps in and starts getting the best of me, it is at that time I truly want a knight in shining armor to come save me. Make me a damn Disney movie and stereotype me and strip my independence down. I know it’s pathetic and believe me since I have realized it I am ashamed. Would I want my daughter and my niece to live that way if they were in this position? Maybe. Maybe I would. Maybe I would indeed want them to find a mate to go through the ups and downs with. For sure, yes. Playing the damsel in distress is just ehhhh and lame. But, at times, that really is what goes on. I want a prince. Problem is that I’m at my worst right now and it’s hard to impress a guy worth having when you aren’t at your best! My eharmony profile catch line is not gonna be “desperate and needy”!! Lol.

I know this too shall pass. It could be in as little as an hour or a day. And I firmly believe in some simple truths. They hurt at times and I fight it like crazy but bottom line is that if a prince was meant to be here to help me through it then he would be. God has me in this spot, in the pain, and alone for his reasons. Those simple concepts are the most beautiful thing on the planet. It doesn’t feel simple because I want to alter it but if I take a step back and look at the whole picture, it’s easier to see. And whatever happens it is guaranteed to be beautiful. Everything around us and all our painful lessons can be beautiful. Simple is so beautiful to me because it is fleeting. Because so little is ever simple.

Forgive yourself for every failure. Cause you tried to do the right thing. God knows that and you know it. Nobody else may know it. Maya Angelou

I admit, I get off course and go askew often in life.  Relatively frequently.  In fact, it’s like my whole life as been a blurry drunken walk.  I stumble around sometimes like an idiot. Metaphorically, yo.  But I’ve had some revelations today.

*GUILT.     Let’s start with the Funyuns.  I grabbed a bag of Funyuns for a snack today.  Now, most of you know I went from almost 150 lbs in Jan to 117 now.  One of the things I gave up–with rare exceptions–are potato chips and fries.  I added fries in but only once a week usually and in small quantities.  Today, I took down that snack size bag of Funyuns like the inner fat girl I am.  And the guilt started in the middle of the bag and only swelled until afterwards until I was a complete failure inside my brain.  As sad as it is, the real epiphany came a couple hours later when I realized a bag of Funyuns will inflict guilt, but not giving someone space when they ask for it [something I’ve bitched and ranted and hated on sooooo many times in this blog its seriously not even funny] did not cause guilt.  I thought about that for a minute.  I got to get my priorities straight.  Damn.  Failed myself but glad I got the lesson.  Thank you Funyuns.  It made me think of the other things I’d been a little selfish about.  And how many times I wouldn’t be my own friend lately.  FTS.  I’m awake now.  And getting back to the things that make me whole, not cut me into broken shards of a human scraping by.  Jesus, take the wheel! *And for the record, those surprise knocks on the door have made my entire 2013 incredibly awesome.  Least I could do is respect the person who lit me up like that.  So no matter what I don’t “get”, I got that moment. Which leads to….

*LOVE     I’ve become pretty tight lipped on my “love” life.  It shall remain that way but the adage “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is true.  I wouldn’t trade one moment of the good times if I had known how pathetic and lame I’d ended up.  I’d let my heart open, twist, and bleed the same way (twice) for the moments.  Which leads to….

*LONELINESS.       I just passed a mirror in the house while putting something away and coming back to write and the thought struck me, “I’m alone because I chose to be.”  Maybe not consciously designed, but fact is, I’m a lot.  I’m a whole lotta woman. Not many men are out there strong enough to handle it. Part of it is insanity (perhaps…aka genius) and part of it is I just have expectations. I got a pretty rocking bod these days compared to what it used to be and really, I don’t have to be alone any night of the week if I didn’t want to be.  So why am I?  Because I don’t want just anybody.  If it helps, I made a list of traits I want in a man tonight in therapy and therein lies the answer.  I’m not going to settle down with the wrong guy, but I sure date a lot of the wrong ones. Therein lies part of the problem.  And no offense meant to any former flames, but obviously we didn’t mesh on that level.  I have a full life of good friends (some of those former flames are my best friends), a demanding job, a sick dog, and hobbies that include commitments a few nights a month at minimum.  I’m whimsical, sometimes very bored, I speak my mind, and I will read a book before enduring some lame conversation.  I’m crazy but in the harmless way and when I go for something, it’s real and it’s 100%.  But I don’t do that very often at all.  You gotta be strong, outspoken, smart, unafraid, and make me feel safe to get me to open up.  Bottom line: loneliness is a choice because I don’t need anyone, but I do want someone.  Looking in all the wrong places might need to be pondered soon.  Until then, so much character development research for my best selling novel is being gathered and lots of hope he’s out there and will similarly know what he’s missing when he sees it. 🙂

I’m a better, happier person than I was yesterday.  And I’m going to continue on that track until I get it right.  Until then, excuse the drunken stumble or at least hold my hair.  And expect some F. Scott Fitzgerald-epicness.

I was super excited to go see Great Gatsby a couple weekends ago.  It was a great movie.  I have always been a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald.  He has a way wrapping life in the most eloquent, and often tragic, ways.  He was a poignant, aggravated soul.  My greatest accomplishment would be to write on that caliber, just once!  I’ve collected many of his quotes and decided today is the perfect day to post them. Enjoy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate those days I have so much to say and 99% of it is highly inappropriate. Or, not worth the repercussions I’d experience.  And for anyone who might be nosy, I’m clocked out on my lunch break.  Lord knows we wouldn’t want some untrue rumors flying throughout THIS building.  I shall stop being moody & sarcastic and get down to it:  it’s time to move on.  This is a transitional time in my life.  Some things I shall let go of, others I shall take hold of.  And to be honest, at this point, I’m open to whatever God wants to take or give up to & including my location, career, friendships, love, parenthood, etc.  I’d like to keep my car because I like it a lot.  I’ve done a lot of hard work to get my body in better shape for a healthier life and that too I’d like to keep.  My poor Chloe is nearing the end I fear and so at this point, whenever God needs her to go to heaven is just fine with me.  She’s been my constant love for many, many years and taught me a great deal.  Other than that, if God wants it to be removed or replaced, let’s do this.  It’s time to live a more authentic, gratifying life.  I’m going to go ride my red bike now and get out of this office!  A bike ride always helps my mood.

2013 has turned into a year of spiritual confusion (amongst other confusion). Basically what it boils down to experiences, events, emotions and changes I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend that all of these things are how it is supposed to be. Yet, I hear God smiling and telling me, “Yep, this is exactly how it’s supposed to be.” It’s a very odd thing: conflict and confusion followed by a deep inner voice saying to push thru because I’m doing the right thing.

It’s been that way with friendships and work. My dog. Everything. It’s like I have this feeling in my gut and it seems stupid, ridiculous and worrisome beyond belief to me. But, yet again, I hear a voice telling me it wouldn’t be touching my heart had it not been meant to do so. I don’t get how any of this is supposed to end up good. Will I turn around someday and bless this broken road??? Really? Cause I am not sure. I just know that if he keeps telling me to “do this” and “love that” and “trust them”…I guess I will. I feel like I’m at a crossroads and God is saying to take a path that is unlit, frightening, dangerous to the soul if I am not extremely diligent. I don’t necessarily like that. I like easy, fun, bright paths. Trust & love someone who makes me wanna retreat so far inside myself and never come out again?! How is it he puts these emotions inside a human with absolutely no guarantee that my patience and love will not end up tearing me apart? Seriously? I’m supposed to do that?? I just wish I could get a glimpse down the road.

Alas, faith is a treacherous journey and not for the fearful. So, I just have to trust. Amazingly, when I feel some of these things that are so irrational I become calm because I hear that voice and I know it never leads me wrong. It makes no sense and I should turn around and go down a different road; but I’ve never been afraid of the unconventional and I’m not a coward. I just question my sanity!!! Love is crazy, even from the divine I guess.

Last night, my brother & I had one of the most intimate conversations we’ve ever had I think. The subject was how heartbroken he was because his kids were far away, there’s a step father in their life that lives with them day in and day out now, and just how to deal with it. Ironically, I know someone and I think he might be going through the same thing. No situation is exactly like another, but there are a LOT of men out there like these guys I know. I realized my brother vocalized some, but men in general just never vocalize as much as women. But what they do say tends to speak volumes. For me, I just ramble until some of it makes sense. And when it comes to this subject, I have to admit I can’t understand. I can imagine and analyze but no, I don’t know what that feels like. You think you can’t live without someone, but how do you live without your own kids?

It’s one reason I don’t have kids. I haven’t found someone—nor was I the person—willing to sacrifice their own pleasures and take on some pain for the sake of my kids having a daddy with them. I think I’m finally ready to be the woman who puts someone else first. Character has become sexy the last couple of years. Sexy is still sexy, not to be misunderstood. But now when I think of a relationship, I think of it as a partnership. A real give & take, ebb & flow, sometimes it’s me & sometimes it’s you kinda deal. Time makes sense now whereas in the past it didn’t. I’d jump all in never thinking twice! I think I mentioned my spontaneity recently. These days, I’d like to see a man in several situations and see how he handles the tough decisions before I can let myself see him as a figure in my life. And, for the first time EVER, I’ve dated guys who had kids. That might not be a big deal for you people, but for me I’ve always had the rule “no kids.” You can call that selfish or smart but I just don’t think it’s cool to get involved with someone who has baggage you know you aren’t prepared to deal with. Now, mid-30s, I see ex’s & kids different. Maybe it’s my brother who has brought this on. I think seeing the strife and struggle he has in his life made me realize I actually do have what it takes to be a good negotiator and I can take the backseat quite well for the sake of someone else’s getting the love they need.

Two years ago, I wouldn’t have said that. Oh yes, my older blogs about Shawn always refer to his parenting—lack thereof, rather—and my ideals on that. But what we get into at age 19 and step out of at 27 changes us. Maybe I saw what it took and knew I didn’t have it? Maybe I felt like a failure because he didn’t believe in his kid the way I did? Or the role of the father in a child’s life? Certainly I tried to force him into action and ultimately, that’s when I knew I had to walk away. Despite our own deep & difficult problems, he didn’t take care of his kid. Or bother to find out if it was his. I wasn’t standing by the side of a man like that. (He did, it was, and I have no idea how their relationship is now). Now, I kinda see the fact a man has a kid as part of the testing period before jumping. How does he feel about his kids and the situation he’s in with or without them? How does he manage that struggle?

For Austin, it’s both visibly and discreetly excruciating. He doesn’t have a lot of money, and it just recently came to my attention that does, in fact, have some reflection on how good a parent you can be. I had to really step back and see this. When you’re married with kids and you don’t have money or mismanage what you have, it’s the adult problems. It effects kids—how many of you grew up poor, or at least had times in your life where Spam was for dinner (a lot)?? See, it affects you but at least I got to sit down with my mom & dad at the same table when the Spam got served. Now, for Austin, not having money and kids being 3 hours away means he has to scramble to see them. And when the opportunity does come to see them more than a weekend or two a month, he has to sacrifice something else. Maybe lunch for himself to make sure they have milk and mac & cheese while they are with him. And if he doesn’t have gas money and too much pride to ask for it? He doesn’t see his kids. I love my sister-in-law and for the most part I think she does a good job. Maybe she doesn’t have the money to do more but I swear on everything I’ll ever have, if I was a parent I’d do whatever it took to keep the kids relationships with both parents strong. If that meant I had to spend extra to get them to their daddy, so be it. If it meant sending some food with them so he didn’t have to buy it, then that’s what I’d do.

It’s easy to get on my soapbox seeing as how it’s really not my box to be on, you know? But it’s my blog. I get to do that. (Unless Austin says take it down). Here’s my feelings on some of this I see: first off, that 50/50 bullshit ended with the divorce papers. [And if you want to know the harsh reality, it’s my opinion marriage isn’t always a 50/50 thing. If you’re lucky, you get to share a life with someone who helps you in any way they can. Maybe that’s 50/50 or maybe you do all the cleaning, I don’t know. Who am I to judge? I just know as I age I see things a little different.] I strayed off subject. Post-divorce you are now obligated to do one thing: make sure your children get as much love and as little emotional harm as necessary. Unless the other parent is neglectful and dangerous, you owe it to your kids to give them a relationship that is as full as it can be. If that means you have to drive farther, do a little more, or inconvenience yourself then THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. There cannot be room for whining. You are a selfish person if you have the means to help the relationship with the other parent and you do not nurture it. I guess after seeing this a lot with others and after it came close to home, I decided I wanted kids and if the man I loved had kids then I was willing to do whatever it’d take to make their life as good as it can possibly be.

Part of my discussion with Austin lent to the obvious thing about dating someone with kids: you are not number one. And if you think you should be, then you are selfish and unrealistic. Why would you even want to date a person who didn’t put his kids first in his mind and heart??? What kind of man is that anyway? But like Austin & I were discussing, what if his heart is broken by the state of his relationship and/or ability to care for his kids? Now, what kind of man is THAT? Can he love someone else—a woman for example—with a heart that’s severed and hurting? [at this very spot I was just reminded it’s Mothers Day…freaky?] What I concluded about this after talking to Austin, is that it might be impossible for someone to love a woman when his heart is already broke. Part of it is that there is a chance for more hurt, and he can’t take that. You can live without a romantic lover, but you can’t really live without your kids. You can get by, but it’s no kind of life when pieces are missing. The hurt that is there is unimaginable to me. Part of it is that with strife and uneasiness and problems out of his control, he can’t take on more of those with a woman. And what he didn’t say but I conclude, is that he’d feel guilty to be spending carefree and blissful times on weekends with a woman and he’d feel more guilt for not being there for the kids (even though it isn’t his weekend and he has zero reason for that self-inflicted pain). He’s telling himself that he can’t take care of himself or his kids and how’s he gonna love some girl? Austin can feel free to comment and tell me how far off I am, but I think guilt might be the biggest factor in his life. What I find ironic is that I want my brother to find a good, honest, bold, sacrificing, and loving woman (just like his sister in other words) because that would be someone to help him be a better dad. The right woman will not stand for injustice and fight for him when he’s too beat down or he’s beating himself up. At least that’s how I picture sis-n-law #2. She’d gladly share her income to make him and the kids lives together better; it wouldn’t even cross her mind not to do so. And if she ever tried to hang it over his head, she better be prepared for the Sister Bitch Slap!!! just kidding. no, no I’m not kidding….

I don’t know anything about what I just wrote about. I’m like in the stands of the parenting game. I can only see what goes on across the field. And you don’t really learn to be a player from the bleachers. As in most things about this life, I research, observe, and study gaining a lot of knowledge, but no experience. Wow, I totally depressed myself LOL. Austin said there’s hope for a girl he knows, so I hold out my own I guess. In the meantime, my prayers for my brother and all the single dads I know just increased.

My therapist said my homework the next two weeks is to write down what love is. I used to think love was friendship caught on fire. But then shit burnt to the ground. I honestly am sitting here drinking a beer with my feet up and I am clueless. You see, how would I know? If I knew what it was would I be here alone? I guess that’s possible. Knowing something doesn’t just mean it will pop up in your life.

I’ve heard people say it happens when you least expect it but on the few times I wondered if it could be love, the unexpected gave me a slap to the face. Others try to make it sound rational and that there is a formula to love. Is it like cooking and there is a recipe to follow? A cup of this and a teaspoon of that and viola you have it?! Honest to God, I’m confused y’all. Is it still love even if it isn’t reciprocated?

Sometimes I think love you give is proportionate to the love you have for yourself. I wasn’t allowed to be “me” in my marriage much so I think the ultimate love is to let someone be whoever they are. That’s an act of courage. To know they might change their mind and go another direction. But how do you reconcile the pain when it’s gone? You look inside you and remind yourself quietly, without going crazy, that life goes on? Tell yourself by the person being honest you are freed by the truth? Does it ever die even after their gone? I love some people who are passed away, that love never died. Of course I mean Kim mostly. I remember her telling me about a goat one day in high school. I was all punk rock with the Sex Pistols and rips in my jeans and here we were having this conversation, her in cowboy boots. Two opposites who loved just hearing about each other when we could. I think that’s one of the last things we ever said to each other. It was by the commons. I still see her standing by the library window. That must have been at the end of junior year.

And today, I weep because she is gone. Just like it happened yesterday. It took me three tries to type “yesterday” just now because of tears. That’s love. It took 15+ years to learn to live with that love being gone. Life didn’t show me how much I loved until she was gone. Part of me went too. No doubt.

I recently dated a guy who reminds me of home. People sometimes say love is like that too–coming home, ya know? For some reason Kim always drifts to my mind for just a flicker when he’s around. I can’t explain that to you at all. Why is it? Because the last person I loved who wore cowboy boots died? That’s kinda weird, but I am at a loss on why else that would happen. Aside from Kim he reminds me of driving down country roads and everyone waved at each other. No one waves at each other here. Why the hell aren’t people waving?! He’s a weird mix of coming home and going on a limb. I liked that. I will miss that. He reminded me of home because home is the place you can try new things and always know someone is there to catch you. You can make it on your own just fine. I do it everyday. But home is that place where you get to look at someone else’s crazy and know you’re part of them. Hell, home is when you know you drive the other people crazy!!! Maybe that’s love….
To be continued.

It’s a real bad week. I’m not gonna try and make it all pretty. I hate myself for getting this low and for the reasons behind it, but I’m a hot mess. (One of you is thinking if I stopped listening to the country music I’d be better off…I know it). I’m on pain pills and laying here on the couch crying. I’ve gone from crying MAYBE once a year to the little explosive teapot. And I’m not gonna pretend I’m ok.

I’m really over my life right now. I lost some friendships last month. And before that I had been drinking too much. I found someone I thought I could trust and had gotten comfortable with (and fuck it if I didn’t let that devil Hope creep in) and the plug got pulled on that for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Or maybe that’s the BS I feed myself just to keep some shred of fucking dignity. I didn’t see that coming. You’ll have that. It is whatever it is.

Maybe it’s because I’m not as strong a woman as I thought. But I’m really over being strong. In fact, I have played the crusader for years. Climbed the ladder at work to pave the way for others. But honestly I look at the whiney, petty crap I hear from the women at work and realize I wasted my fuckin time. I was the strong, independent single woman. Didn’t need a soul but had my friends to get by. Bought this house. Have a fast & classy (sarcastic) car in the driveway. Worked so hard to get it. God the shit I swallowed and humiliation it took to acquire things. And the bullshit I kept around me! Lawd so much bullshit from people and loved them anyway. Cause that’s what the gurus say to do. I found so many silver linings the last decade. I threw so much fucking glitter and told myself tomorrow was gonna be awesome.

Well here we are and it’s tomorrow. I’m 34 and single with no prospects, no kids, my family is 600 miles away, this house is empty and lonely, my dog is dying and she is the closest thing to a family, my job isn’t what I love. I have lost about 30 lbs this year. I have a tan and a rocking body. Oh I get so damned tired of hearing what a catch I’ll be! Well listen here, apparently I’m not in season or the fisherman went on strike. Or maybe I bite the wrong fucking bait EVERY time. And FYI I
am NOT gonna get blown away for being this skinny. Unless its a tornado or hurricane so quit saying that stupid shit. Again, I worked exceptionally diligently to get here. Keep your opinion of my body to yourself.

My homework from my therapist is to make a list of what love is and what are deal breakers to me in a relationship. Something tells me when I turn in that assignment we’ll get to hear how I have been off track on some of my ideas concerning love. Well, again, the strong me will dust off and dive into being a better person with a greater understanding. Fuck that. In case you missed the above, I am not up for it. I’m weak. Clearly. Maybe the strong woman pushing through the last decade was the facade.

I’ll tell you, for someone not feeling strong I’ve been contemplating for days which wall I can punch and cover up with photos. Maybe it’s a breakdown. It’s been coming. Read the blog from day one. It’s no surprise.

It probably boils down to something as simple as human connection. Or maybe I over connected. Gave too much of a shit and lended a hand to people I should have punched in the face. Dated some guys who just need a kick in their tiny balls.

I said earlier the latest connection I didn’t see the rug being pulled. But as I look at myself, I get it. I’m over being strong. I don’t need saving; I am not up for saving anyone else either. But if you think you can bring a smile and save me, you better be one hell of a man who doesn’t scare easily. I require a strong man who isn’t afraid. Who can pull me out of my little funks like this one. No fuck that, I need a man whose been thru hell and has been equally strong in his life and can look me in the eye and say he’s been here. You never wondered if The Lord was willing and felt the creek rise? then I don’t want you. There, we have an entry on the list: deal breaker–shit gets tough and he ducks and don’t fight or confront it, then he’s out. Don’t let my foot get to your ass before the door hits it. Cause let’s be real: this too shall pass and I’ll keep fighting. When I snap out of this I’ll be that girl who doesn’t give up.

This isn’t a cry for help. I don’t want anyone telling me it will get better. I just don’t. I’m angry and this shit is between me and God right now. I just wanted to vent and make sure you know where I’m coming from. If I don’t smile or say good morning, this is why. I want some Michael Jackson drugs. I need a coma. I just need a break from my own brain. It gets really exhausting being the only noise in this house.