Acceptance is everything in this world. Everything happens in its own time. I’ve said that before but it’s really REALLY nice to believe it so much that you have inner peace. So this is faith, huh? It feels nice. I have often muttered many such platitudes with merely the hope of feeling better. You do become what you think. I’m glad I didn’t give up.
I’d love to moan about the details and lament how I messed something up. Instead, I sit back and I ask, “how did I get here?” For once in my life I am not going to panic or find a way to fix it temporarily. Relaxed and contemplating the last few years is much more insightful. When you look at this cross section of my life it’s almost predictable that when authentic and awesome finally showed up in my face I wouldn’t see it and couldn’t accept it.
I’ve been fighting fate and trying to wrestle the Universe for several years. Tricky is the art of knowing when to fight and when to lean in and just go with it, dropping all resistance. I fought way too many times when I should have just let it go and stayed on course with what I can do in the moment.
Today, I’m leaning in to life. No more pushing against the winds of change or trying to chart my course. Or worse, chart someone else’s to align with mine. It’s probably a biologically driven thing in some way. Inevitably faced with fear that the time span to reproduce is ending. Sure I have 6-7 years at least but I now understand how fast 6-7 years go by and before you know it a decade has passed. But going upstream with life and people is impossible. And draining. And desperate and unhappy. This is MY life. I will listen and learn. And be thrilled. Scouts honor.
So I’m gonna focus on me and being happy with what I do. Too much ignoring my own beauty. I write and I am starting to seek ways to make a living doing it. I collage and its therapeutic and relaxing for me. Maybe somebody will see some value in it and relate to the combination of images. If not, I have some cool things I made and lots of beautiful gifts. I get overwhelmed and scared about relationships so I’m bowing out quietly, hopefully with grace, for an indefinite time. This makes me happy. All it takes is that one time you take responsibility for royally screwing a good thing up. But I saw something beautiful in me. And the rest of me just needs some reflection and time to perfect the beautiful soul I was lucky enough to get! “And there ain’t nothing like regret to remind you you’re alive”-Sheryl Crow
If you should need me I’ll be doing what I do: laughing, collaging crazy images that somehow fit in my brain, writing about this beautiful ride, and loving this life. Taking proactive steps to sift through the endless number of layers inside me. And outside of me, accepting people and circumstances at face value. The panicked biological clock is just gonna have to tick itself to death and be ignored. When I am ready and not looking into someone’s eyes, I have no doubt that’s when an equally calm, lively, independent soul will cross my path. Life has a tendency to do that.
APRYL.ME 