Willingness is a state of mental and emotional receptivity. 

The will is the controlling and directive faculty of the mind that determines consciousness and character. 

Willingness is a state of consciousness that allows the mental faculty to be infused with the will of the Divine.

  -Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday one of my bffs asked me something to ponder: Go back to your happiest days with [insert name].  If a magical fairy [or some such power] had come to you, shown you how everything would end, would you trade the happy days to avoid the end?  Well, that was easy.  A big fat NO!  Despite the nastiness and hurt that showed up in my life at the demise of the relationship, the answer is still no.  Because the happy times were some of the best in my life.  So, why now, am I scared to show people the real me and be happy? 

I wish the end to the fear could come quickly but it cannot.  Real, meaningful change is a process.  Not a fast one either.  It’s developing new habits that become a way of life.  For example, my previous blog.  Yesterday I battled with the news reel in my head that judges me harshly.  Here’s a sample of what I hear:  “You’re a coward, ignorant, awkward, delusional, girl who fucks everything good up.”  It doesn’t come precisely that sharp and sometimes not all at once, but if you put it together that’s the chain of self-loathing holding me down.  And to stop it every single time and not accept it was a battle.  But, I’ve been in a really peaceful state the last few days and I wasn’t going to end it.  Not with the same old crap anyway.  But it will take the same thing today and the day after that and the day after that and the weeks and months after that to really form a new habit of letting myself just be.

But I sincerely want this change.  Serial dating is a wonderful thing to pass the time and never have to live your truest self.  Except when suddenly you are faced with someone who is true to themselves and others.  It’s like a mirror was held up to my soul by this person.  And I didn’t like what I saw.  I was dressed in flakiness, concessions [no, not popcorn!], and worst of all the truest self was hidden under the cloak of making others happy.  Once you strip those things away from your soul and look at your soul naked, then you can start a change.  Just like my outer shell being way more sexy these days, my soul has such beauty. 

I don’t want to sound vain but really I do have a beautiful soul if you ever get to see it.  It’s a happy soul full of encouragement, equality, and love.  It’s a soul who aims to change the world before it’s all done.  It’s a daydreaming and poetry writing kind of soul.  My soul is joyous and there’s always music emitted.  It’s appreciative and diverse.  It’s kinda business savvy and I’m not sure if that’s good.  It sees so very much and catches every detail, but has a tendency to turn it’s head.  But it saw.  You can’t take it back.  And I think that’s the part I have not nurtured and therefore it’s out of control.  It’s like Oprah says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.  When my soul crosses others that aren’t good for it, it turns it’s head and continues to dance.  That’s all fine and dandy except you realize one day you’re dancing with a bunch of people who exhaust you.  And you didn’t want to dance with them anyway!

The worst kind of lie is to yourself; and self-inflicted wounds burn.  And the truth that brings you peace is the calm that soothes.  The yin and the yang.  Every layer of my soul is full of the yin and yang.  And once I find the balance, I can see deeper inside.  It’s really like an onion.  Or, like a bunch of happy meals with a prize at the end of each one.  [<—inner fat kid alert]  Enough of this pain and doubt I’ve been living in for God knows how long.  I’m getting off that ride.  I’m leaving the dance floor to go find the souls outside underneath the sun and the moon, in the VW van, getting high! Those are my kindred spirits!! 

And one final anecdote, a “friend” who borrowed at least a grand about a year ago and who has not repaid one cent NOR said hello NOR written at least a text to say “this is what’s going on” is suddenly wanting to go to the Quarter’s Dubstep Monday to have a drink and explain.   To that individual, who I know did not siphon through the above, all I have for you is a middle finger.  My Mondays ARE like living through dubstep from 8-5, screw living it after 5.  The time for explaining has long since past.  By not contacting me prior, you’ve explained everything you needed to.  And there you go.  An example of seeing someone for who and what they are.  Yes, I could use the money right now badly but since I doubt you have any, keep your explanations right where they are—there’s nothing you can say that would make us friends any longer.  Once I realized that, I was free.  Another layer of bullshit comes off the soul.  Now, keep calm & carry on folks.