It was there all along. On the tip of my tongue. Like when something comes and goes so quickly from your mind that you can’t remember what it was but you know it was brilliant. And now I get it: MY. LOVE. WILL. SAVE. NO. ONE. It never will. It’s not that powerful. Love is not all you need, Lennon.

That’s gonna have to be the biggest revelation I’ve ever had. It sounds pompous I suppose. “You thought your love was gonna save someone else?! Hahaha! What makes your love special?” And perhaps, it is egotistic. But let’s be scientific here and deduce some shit. If I thought my love would save someone then that would equate I also believed someone’s love could save me from my own dark corners and demons. For simplicity we’ll name those corners and demons Depression. And from the previous blog, I’ve come to find that people can only win when they fight their own wars. You can’t step in and save a life. I can tell you with the utmost confidence that loving people at war with themselves and what’s inside their own minds is a ridiculous and painful journey to disappointment. It’s literally mission impossible. Your message will self-destruct….In your palms and ricochet inside your chest until the pain is so great you are certain that your heart is going to explode and come out of your mouth and ears. But, like all fools, I’ve gone in every day of life with my mission to love people.

I suppose, continuing logically, that it isn’t just MY love that is so ineffective, it’s everyone’s. No one can save someone else from what is hiding inside trying to eat them. Only you can mend what’s broken inside you. Damn. That totally sucks. [<—literary genius can only come up with “That totally sucks.”] Long pause. Can this all really be true? How far off have I chartered now?

Today a lady blew her head off in a gas station parking lot about a mile or less from my house. Her old man was getting some cigarettes or whatnot, probably 100 feet away. She had kids that will never have an answer. Combined with last night’s blog, I’ve been wondering all day just exactly how much we can help one another. I admit, before today I was dead set on love can save all. I was an official Love Advocate. I wanted to love thy enemies and your enemies and I just loved finding enemies so I could give more love. Where there was no hope, I thought love could come in and fill those dark spaces with light. Christianity is based on the whole concept that a soul was saved. So, as much I turned away from my Southern Baptist upbringing, it looks like I internalized it about as far into my soul as it can go. Perhaps that upbringing is also what makes me think I’m broken and need fixing….?

I’m gonna have to sit on this thought a bit. Maybe for you more evolved souls this is silly but for me it just changed everything I ever believed about what makes this world a wonderment. I have 34 years of stuff to mull over. I feel some poetry and songwriting coming on.

To be continued.