I’m going to be very honest here and admit that I have been pondering the four letter word a lot recently. No, not F-o-o-d! L-o-v-e. And I’ve come to a very odd juncture that I don’t recall having ever been at before now. It’s like I’m looking face to face with God and I can’t decide if I should have faith in his infinite possibilities and allow myself to feel something ever again that looks to me like love; or if I see this little trick of life’s and I’m not going to ever fall for it again. It’s almost like I’ve come to a crossroads and I question every direction.

I’ve been listening to a lot of spiritual and self-help gurus (like Oprah & friends) talk about love lately. One thing I’m taking is that we either make decisions based on love or fear. Well, that kinda makes sense. I mean, I see that. Take for example my health and my diet. I took actions before based on fear of losing my boyfriend or diabetes but not until I did things because I love my body did I get some fantastic results. Looking back over time, I see a lot of things I did based out of fear. At some of them I thought it was love. But if I’d paid attention, I’d have known better. I feel like I’m too old to be having this conversation and also too young to know much of anything.

I’ve tried different things. Different paths. Obviously none of that worked out. There were two times I felt something I couldn’t fathom and thought I had been propelled into space; and two times I thought my world was ending. They are the same two times. Hence, I associate a certain sensation inside me as having a detrimental and certain ending. I thought that was love. Storybook kind. It was a storybook—it was a horror novel and not a romance novel though. So, I don’t trust myself. But that causes friction with my spiritual side. I kinda feel like if God puts something in my heart isn’t it something I should trust?! Am I now being defiant against the divine and stirring a bad pot of Karma Shit Stew?! Shit. I don’t know!

I feel like the little ‘special’ girl who just can’t get it. Part of me leans in one direction and the other part of me is trying to suffocate the part leaning. I don’t like this. I don’t like having ended up in a place where I feel more confused than happy. Where I fear being hurt so much I want to close part of my soul up for good. That sounds just awful when I really think about it. I hate that I’ve let pessimism into my spirit. I usually bounce off track but come back to the center of happy relatively easily. This torture going on inside me saying, “Seal that before it gets loose again and never mention it again” is quite unsettling.

Ha, and then you see things you think are “signs” that God is leaving for you. Like that one thing was done just for you to hear or watch. And, like George Michael, I gotta have “faith-a-faith-ahh”. This is why people shouldn’t hold emotions inside for years. It gets really nasty and confusing and suddenly you’re blogging a big mess of stuff you have no idea about. It’s like a big puzzle and I don’t know what piece to put where. Is it an infinite world with infinite possibilities? Or are certain things surely to end in certain ways every time?

And, now I’m mad that I let myself admit to everyone that I’m completely jacked up on the subject! I almost deleted the entire post just now. But guess what? That’d be one more time I stuffed it all down and didn’t know what to do with it. So to hell with that. Now you can all know I doubt love’s very existence on the planet and that I questioning my faith. That can’t be so abnormal.

And then I see this on FB after I hit publish and I just get more confused: