I’m not ashamed to tell anyone that I see a therapist. In fact, I’ll give you her number cause I sure would like to make it mandatory for some people to go too. Anyway, been in a funk. For someone super spontaneous and a little whimsical, I sure do take to change a little awkwardly. It’s funny to me. I’ll decide to up & go to New York for a week and have a blasty blast but move my stapler or pink pen and I might cut you. So she suggested I get back to doing some of the things I love that I’ve put aside for a while. She said, “You’re a writer. You must write.” I think that’s the first time I’ve heard anyone say I’m a writer. Yes, I am a writer. You can find some of my writing in each month’s issue of the Coast Observer if you’d like! But hearing it…”you’re a writer”… makes it seem much more real. Granted, many more hours of proofing and finding the right adjectives are found there. Here…well this is just a place to store my thoughts and figure it out.  This blog is like the dishwasher for my brain.

Of course, I have no idea what to write. I shelved a few script ideas a year or so ago. A book? What the hell am I an expert on? How to take the bull by the horns in your 20s? Why you don’t need a college degree but the 140 hours sure is helpful? How to meet the wrong man a hundred times over? Ok! I got it, “What Not To Do: A Survival Guide.” I josh. Mostly. I’ve thought of writing a book for my niece & nephew but God to help them get through their years I’m going to have to go back and examine my own. Bleh. Who wants to go back to braces, the fang bangs (not bangers), and Swatch watches?? Painful. Just painful to look at and think about. But I would like to tell them about what losing one of your best childhood friends is like. And that someday when you stop asking why and let it just settle into your heart that IS what it is, you can find peace and perhaps be certain you have an angel looking over your shoulder.

I want to impress upon them that kindness is to be given freely and without expectation of kindness in return. Sometimes you might think people “deserve” what they got when shit hits their fans. But what I’ve found is that their predicaments and decisions are between them and their God. Whether I extend helping hands whenever possible, well THAT is between me and my God. Sometimes you’re very nice to people and they are very mean. Never regret your kindness. Their meanness may come from places you never dreamed of and again, that’s really between them and God. At the same time, give as much as you can but not more than you have. And just because you get burned for overextending yourself, don’t let that hinder future kindness.

I want them to know that acceptance is the key to life. I’m a mover and shaker like anyone else in senior management. But I’ve also learned flexibility is the key to longevity. Learn to discern when to fight and when to lay your sword down. Trying to change things—or driving yourself batty wondering what could have been—is a waste of time. It is as it should be. The quicker you learn that and feel it deep inside your heart, wounds are healed. And accept people for who they are. Mostly, they are just being what they know to be. It’s a wild world and it takes everyone in it to teach you lessons you need to know. Before you grow cold or angry, try to see what lesson they are there to teach you.

And above all, do what makes you happy. You can move and shake the entire industry but if it isn’t in your heart then you’ll only end up never moving high enough and never shaking enough money off the tree. Learn to live off just enough to get by and spend your free time embracing what makes you happy. Hopefully my beautiful niece and nephew don’t follow Auntie A’s footsteps. When they find what makes their heart swell, I hope they entertain that dream to the end. Words make me happy. They release the tension my soul holds. If the house burns, Chloe is my first thing to save. Next, the poem from 4th grade written my friend Kim found 10 years after her death. It healed parts of me I dreamt would forever be raw. Words hurt but words heal. Some things don’t need to be spoken. (Learn to imply very wittily or sarcastically ha!) Some things have to be said. Differentiating between them can be a fine line. In every hard situation I try to imagine what could possibly be said that would change things.

Kim’s death—nothing any soul could ever utter would have ever eased the pain. Then her soul brought forth a poem from when we were like 11 years old and the pieces started to fit. Divorce—that man could have looked at me and said he’d do anything I wanted AND won a lottery and I still would have taken that one suitcase and my dog and gone. When people back you into a corner, the only thing they can do to stop any resentment is step aside. That’s my point of view anyway. And I’ve found that just sending them love and really not saying much of anything other than “please leave” is enough. When you don’t fight back, a lot of drama ends itself pretty quick. Learn what to do with your words and if it won’t make any difference, no need to wound someone with them.

Well, I guess I had more to say to Pyxie & Caius then I thought I did…. to be continued.