You know those concepts that seem so simple & that have been in your face since birth that you really shouldn’t have to remember them?  For example, I’ve known 1+1=2 since roughly kindergarten.  Ok, let’s be real, it’s math so probably first grade for me.  Well today it hit me—and kinda hard, like a roundhouse—that every single person, animal, and material thing is only on loan to us.  Our bodies are own loan.  They will be taken.  My little Chloe is on loan and our days are numbered.  Our families, friends, & lovers are on loan.  Some for a very long time, but either they or I will part eventually.

This made me very sad.  I mean, 1+1=2 doesn’t make me sad and this concept is no less firm.  So why did this thing I’ve known since birth make me soooo sad?  And then it hit me, cause humans are built with this burning desire for attachment.  At least I am, maybe you aren’t.  And the spiritual gurus are those who learn to detach from all but their God.  But, do I want that???  It seems so desolate to me.  I understand the need to cherish each moment, but detachment sounds very hard.

I’ll admit, I’m an over-attacher.  If I could form OA Anonymous and get a gathering, I would.  Then I would be attached to the OA members and founders and be sad when we drift apart.  See, I cannot even form the group because I am unable to even comprehend because of my over-attachment disorder (OAD).  Of course, some people are reading this and thinking I’m exactly the opposite.  I know I seem cold and calculating at times.  Especially Mon-Fri 8-5 when I make shit happen!  Sometimes, when I seem like I can just drop whatever it is or whoever may be causing harm, it’s simply survival. 

That’s odd but try to follow me.  Because I do feel attachment and I really do love just about everyone, I know I cannot make everyone happy and instead of hurt you or—God forbid!—express some emotion, I shut you down.  Deep down, I hang on to a lot of stuff.  It’s probably one of the worst qualities about me.  Instead of expressing myself and closing the door softly, I run as quick as possible and slam the door.  Sometimes saying mean things so you won’t chase after me.  Meaning: all that real emotional stuff in my head and heart generally have no place to go.  Like Neil Young said, “Once you’re gone you can’t come back.”  I believe that is what we call “issues” in today’s terms and Facebook ecards.  It also makes closure really hard on myself and unfairly on those I love.  I’m not Catholic but I just blessed my ex-husband wherever he is cause Lord knows I built up so much I finally exploded.  He wasn’t an innocent survivor, but maybe if I’d spoken up years earlier it would have ended much sooner or not gotten me so emotionally wrecked. 

Notice I didn’t say “we’d still be together.”  I don’t reckon anything I’ve ever left was salvageable.  At least I am smart about that even if I’m retarded about it, the decisions I’ve made have been right.  The baggage I left with?  Perhaps not.  But since I am an emotionally handicapped person, I have difficulty.  In my own way, I shut you down because I know not what to do.  I see it on movies, tv, read it in books, and sometimes hear other people express emotions.  I’m still learning.  I’m doing a lot better, depending who you ask.  My fight or flight kicks in and I’ll be damned if I don’t look like a Southwest Pilot running out of an emotional conversation sometimes.  But I’m doing more of that.  I just need to realize not making you happy isn’t the goal.  I’m assertive with positive emotions and comedy and simple directions that need handed out.  Confrontation or anger or hurt or {insert whatever}, not so much.  I’m a big, peace-loving hippie for crying out loud!  And this whole On Loan Law Epiphany didn’t do much at all to help.

You’d think I’d handle situations with care and develop my skills faster since I am slapped with the On Loan circumstance, but I don’t.  Oh, I give it a good try and like I said it’s improving daily.  Still, causing someone to feel anything but happy is not in my nature.  And that’s why detachment seems so odd.  I love love.  I think it makes the world go ‘round (even if we aren’t knocked up… ever) [is that issue of not having kids going to go away?! Jesus it comes up all the damn time].  I crave attachment which suddenly makes me realize how much I need to follow the gurus and detach from that attachment of attachment.  Wow.  Got that?  I mean, I can be happy with what I have and I am blessed to be loaned a little Chloe, a house, a job, a semi-fast car, more material objects, parents who love me, and more friends than that awkward grunge girl from 1994 ever thought she’d have!  But I know they are on loan and I’m going to have to give some of them up.  Some of their spirits move on to other things and reincarnate to other lives; and sometimes shit just happens to our material things.  That’s just the universal law of On Loan.  We get people and pets and things…and then we have to let them go.

I think my sadness lies in that I don’t express myself and therefore when the person/pet/thing is gone, I feel like I should have done more.  And to the universe in general, I should give more while I can.  I push myself to do more before the clock strikes and the loan is called.  But you can’t live this life rushing things, rushing people, and trying to race before it’s over.  That isn’t the purpose.  Maybe it isn’t detachment, maybe it’s acceptance that I have trouble with.  Or maybe it’s a multi-layered rainbow of psycho crazy old dog lady stuff that all comes together in a blog that neither made much sense nor figured anything about the universe out!  Oh lord Jesus it’s a fire in my brain and I ain’t got time for that. 

So it appears I lost what I considered a great blog written yesterday called “Let.It.Be.” and I want to throw the laptop now.  Lesson?  DO NOT FUCKING GET ATTACHED TO ANYTHING.  Shit.  The universe is an asshole.