I expressed emotion. Ok, not face-to-face but video. That counts right? It’s a step up anyway. It felt kinda good. I was a little queasy but finally I just said it. And now? It’s a relief. It’s not bottling up anywhere. I’m not gonna explode or hide and cry or just snap at people all day. Nothing really came of this small gesture—it wasn’t a proposal or a fight people, baby steps please—but now I felt like I’ve done my part. It’s like now you know where I stand. And you can do with that whatever, but you can’t say you didn’t know how I felt about it. Honestly, I thought saying how you felt would leave me raw, exposed. But it didn’t. Having tension and building things up and never saying anything, that’s tender and raw. Getting it out there and acting on things relieves that stress.

It’s not really that big of a deal, but it was out of character and I figure I need to share the small triumphs and not just complain or mope around this blog all the time!

It’s a hot mess not being a hot mess. And what I mean by that is when you have most of your shit together then you find the small things that aren’t quite the way you want them and you nitpick them. To death. So pretty much I have it great and I’m not happy. Well, I’m not unhappy I’m just not content. I think I’ve suddenly stalled in life. It’s a little plateau of life! Oh, I suppose like a rest stop. You see, I’ve been climbing up and up and now I suddenly don’t feel the need to climb any more. I have dreams that I want to see to fruition. I have goals that I still aim to achieve. I have things to do I haven’t done. It’s not like I’m finished, I’m just not real sure what direction to take from here. It’s time to sit down and enjoy the damn view anyway.

Maybe it’s time to evaluate the best route for phase 2. Or is this 3? Possibly even like phase 10, I dunno. I think it’s time to sit and have a drink. I’m going to quit worrying and overthinking because it’s making me miserable. If ya want me, I’m right here on this patch of grass with a bottle of wine. I’m not disconnected from the world, I’m just not engaging in any of the bullshit. There’s nothing left to grab that’s worth it. I have a job that challenges me and provides everything I need and then some. I have a hobby that has turned into a gig and hopefully it can evolve from here when I set my mind down to it. I’ve many, many people who love me and even the ones who don’t love me make the scenery entertaining. It’s one thing to take yourself too seriously, but completely wasteful to take anyone that serious. Either they are cool or not. It doesn’t take a lot of time to figure that shit out. And once you figure it out, keep it in mind. These other people are on their own journey and contorting that any way they want it. It’s really not my business how sucky you might be; that’s between you and your destination. Or lack thereof. Be as ugly and unhappy on that trip as you desire.

At first, I thought I’d fallen down. But then I realized I was just running around going nowhere; because of the plateau see? It was more of a landing and not a fall. I had to stop looking up and take it all in to understand it was time to sit and relax. There are people walking by that I very much want to grab and ask them to please sit with me. Sit with me forever! But you can’t take someone off their path. That hurts at times. In fact, I’m like “Look we have sunny skies and soft grass and puppies! Stay here!” But some people are busy and don’t want those things. I was there once. Now, as Little Wayne said, “Money outweighing problems.” I look back and realize it wasn’t always the case. Some of the road has been problems outweighing the money and that sucks. It’d be a shame to waste the time not being happy now that the road is smooth. As much as I’d like you to come sit with me and have a picnic, if you want to go through the drive thru then my picnic will never be appealing. And if it’s not a picnic you want, by all means keep walking.

I’m sure I’ll get a second wind and pick myself and start back at something. I’m not known for my restful nature of idleness. Perhaps a vacation. Maybe my writing will catch the eye of someone who can broaden the audience. Although, does the world need an analogy such as this portrayed on screen or in hardback? LOL I think we’re better off just a speck of dust on the interwebs. If ya wanna sit and have a drink and relax, hit me up. If not, peace be with you.

I’m going to be very honest here and admit that I have been pondering the four letter word a lot recently. No, not F-o-o-d! L-o-v-e. And I’ve come to a very odd juncture that I don’t recall having ever been at before now. It’s like I’m looking face to face with God and I can’t decide if I should have faith in his infinite possibilities and allow myself to feel something ever again that looks to me like love; or if I see this little trick of life’s and I’m not going to ever fall for it again. It’s almost like I’ve come to a crossroads and I question every direction.

I’ve been listening to a lot of spiritual and self-help gurus (like Oprah & friends) talk about love lately. One thing I’m taking is that we either make decisions based on love or fear. Well, that kinda makes sense. I mean, I see that. Take for example my health and my diet. I took actions before based on fear of losing my boyfriend or diabetes but not until I did things because I love my body did I get some fantastic results. Looking back over time, I see a lot of things I did based out of fear. At some of them I thought it was love. But if I’d paid attention, I’d have known better. I feel like I’m too old to be having this conversation and also too young to know much of anything.

I’ve tried different things. Different paths. Obviously none of that worked out. There were two times I felt something I couldn’t fathom and thought I had been propelled into space; and two times I thought my world was ending. They are the same two times. Hence, I associate a certain sensation inside me as having a detrimental and certain ending. I thought that was love. Storybook kind. It was a storybook—it was a horror novel and not a romance novel though. So, I don’t trust myself. But that causes friction with my spiritual side. I kinda feel like if God puts something in my heart isn’t it something I should trust?! Am I now being defiant against the divine and stirring a bad pot of Karma Shit Stew?! Shit. I don’t know!

I feel like the little ‘special’ girl who just can’t get it. Part of me leans in one direction and the other part of me is trying to suffocate the part leaning. I don’t like this. I don’t like having ended up in a place where I feel more confused than happy. Where I fear being hurt so much I want to close part of my soul up for good. That sounds just awful when I really think about it. I hate that I’ve let pessimism into my spirit. I usually bounce off track but come back to the center of happy relatively easily. This torture going on inside me saying, “Seal that before it gets loose again and never mention it again” is quite unsettling.

Ha, and then you see things you think are “signs” that God is leaving for you. Like that one thing was done just for you to hear or watch. And, like George Michael, I gotta have “faith-a-faith-ahh”. This is why people shouldn’t hold emotions inside for years. It gets really nasty and confusing and suddenly you’re blogging a big mess of stuff you have no idea about. It’s like a big puzzle and I don’t know what piece to put where. Is it an infinite world with infinite possibilities? Or are certain things surely to end in certain ways every time?

And, now I’m mad that I let myself admit to everyone that I’m completely jacked up on the subject! I almost deleted the entire post just now. But guess what? That’d be one more time I stuffed it all down and didn’t know what to do with it. So to hell with that. Now you can all know I doubt love’s very existence on the planet and that I questioning my faith. That can’t be so abnormal.

And then I see this on FB after I hit publish and I just get more confused:

I have been wrestling conundrums all day. As I give up and try to sleep, the brain just won’t come to stop the match. So I’ll cave. I’ll explore the things that keep me awake.

The best way I know to explain it is its like on one side I want to be a peace-loving, sunshine filled, singing little ball of love and hope. But, there’s a part of me that sees little hope in any direction in my life. There are some transitions. There are a bunch of small transitions.

Guilt eats at me for not seeing my family more. Especially as parents age and Pyxie & Caius also do the same without Auntie A there. Then there’s The Chloe. I know our time is quietly closing. Really, in all honesty, that breaks my heart. I could blog about my dog for a decade. 12 years we have spent navigating this difficult world. Then work is just all out Stress Fest. I get older and I feel the stress more. Don’t get started that I am suddenly doubting my direction in my career. I’m not going into the topic of relationships. Suffice it that it entered this paragraph.

But….then there are the awesome things that I still have to acknowledge. I had a great time out last night even if I paid for it today. I know I am known as the artsy one among the other managers at work, and yes I am attracted to the souls of writers, artists, musicians, and actors. Attracted by their spirit. I’ve found freer thinking flows among the creative people. But my favorite thing is watching them do what they love. That fact that they just DO it. Musicians who have that look like they are enjoying every note awe me. It’s like a they lift you higher when they are entertaining but loving it.

Make a note “Black Gives Way to Blue” came on during that paragraph trying to pull me down again. So I have this friend that never, ever fails at making me smile. He is a musician and a giant, dreaded man! When he plays he’s one of those that when plays you can see the fun he is having. So I text him and sure enough a smile escaped. It reminded me I have to choose the hippie and not the emo star who wants to take center stage. I think it’s his dreads that have magic. But we all know this hippie love some dreads. I think there’s hope in dreads. To get incredibly out there, I find that the dread owner is not trying to cut anything. He takes the new stuff and forms it to be part of his overall creation.

If we all took life like it was just our dreads we’d be a lot better. Accept the changes and new things and love it and make it welcome. Transition the new stuff into the overall scheme. Life throws some curves but if you can take the hard with a soft heart and try to accept it, it should be better, right? Whatever it is, reality is that IT JUST IS. You can think or feel whatever but it is reality. Yeah, I like this analogy. Hippie 1, Emo Dark Side 0. Now maybe I can sleep.

I’m not ashamed to tell anyone that I see a therapist. In fact, I’ll give you her number cause I sure would like to make it mandatory for some people to go too. Anyway, been in a funk. For someone super spontaneous and a little whimsical, I sure do take to change a little awkwardly. It’s funny to me. I’ll decide to up & go to New York for a week and have a blasty blast but move my stapler or pink pen and I might cut you. So she suggested I get back to doing some of the things I love that I’ve put aside for a while. She said, “You’re a writer. You must write.” I think that’s the first time I’ve heard anyone say I’m a writer. Yes, I am a writer. You can find some of my writing in each month’s issue of the Coast Observer if you’d like! But hearing it…”you’re a writer”… makes it seem much more real. Granted, many more hours of proofing and finding the right adjectives are found there. Here…well this is just a place to store my thoughts and figure it out.  This blog is like the dishwasher for my brain.

Of course, I have no idea what to write. I shelved a few script ideas a year or so ago. A book? What the hell am I an expert on? How to take the bull by the horns in your 20s? Why you don’t need a college degree but the 140 hours sure is helpful? How to meet the wrong man a hundred times over? Ok! I got it, “What Not To Do: A Survival Guide.” I josh. Mostly. I’ve thought of writing a book for my niece & nephew but God to help them get through their years I’m going to have to go back and examine my own. Bleh. Who wants to go back to braces, the fang bangs (not bangers), and Swatch watches?? Painful. Just painful to look at and think about. But I would like to tell them about what losing one of your best childhood friends is like. And that someday when you stop asking why and let it just settle into your heart that IS what it is, you can find peace and perhaps be certain you have an angel looking over your shoulder.

I want to impress upon them that kindness is to be given freely and without expectation of kindness in return. Sometimes you might think people “deserve” what they got when shit hits their fans. But what I’ve found is that their predicaments and decisions are between them and their God. Whether I extend helping hands whenever possible, well THAT is between me and my God. Sometimes you’re very nice to people and they are very mean. Never regret your kindness. Their meanness may come from places you never dreamed of and again, that’s really between them and God. At the same time, give as much as you can but not more than you have. And just because you get burned for overextending yourself, don’t let that hinder future kindness.

I want them to know that acceptance is the key to life. I’m a mover and shaker like anyone else in senior management. But I’ve also learned flexibility is the key to longevity. Learn to discern when to fight and when to lay your sword down. Trying to change things—or driving yourself batty wondering what could have been—is a waste of time. It is as it should be. The quicker you learn that and feel it deep inside your heart, wounds are healed. And accept people for who they are. Mostly, they are just being what they know to be. It’s a wild world and it takes everyone in it to teach you lessons you need to know. Before you grow cold or angry, try to see what lesson they are there to teach you.

And above all, do what makes you happy. You can move and shake the entire industry but if it isn’t in your heart then you’ll only end up never moving high enough and never shaking enough money off the tree. Learn to live off just enough to get by and spend your free time embracing what makes you happy. Hopefully my beautiful niece and nephew don’t follow Auntie A’s footsteps. When they find what makes their heart swell, I hope they entertain that dream to the end. Words make me happy. They release the tension my soul holds. If the house burns, Chloe is my first thing to save. Next, the poem from 4th grade written my friend Kim found 10 years after her death. It healed parts of me I dreamt would forever be raw. Words hurt but words heal. Some things don’t need to be spoken. (Learn to imply very wittily or sarcastically ha!) Some things have to be said. Differentiating between them can be a fine line. In every hard situation I try to imagine what could possibly be said that would change things.

Kim’s death—nothing any soul could ever utter would have ever eased the pain. Then her soul brought forth a poem from when we were like 11 years old and the pieces started to fit. Divorce—that man could have looked at me and said he’d do anything I wanted AND won a lottery and I still would have taken that one suitcase and my dog and gone. When people back you into a corner, the only thing they can do to stop any resentment is step aside. That’s my point of view anyway. And I’ve found that just sending them love and really not saying much of anything other than “please leave” is enough. When you don’t fight back, a lot of drama ends itself pretty quick. Learn what to do with your words and if it won’t make any difference, no need to wound someone with them.

Well, I guess I had more to say to Pyxie & Caius then I thought I did…. to be continued.

You know those concepts that seem so simple & that have been in your face since birth that you really shouldn’t have to remember them?  For example, I’ve known 1+1=2 since roughly kindergarten.  Ok, let’s be real, it’s math so probably first grade for me.  Well today it hit me—and kinda hard, like a roundhouse—that every single person, animal, and material thing is only on loan to us.  Our bodies are own loan.  They will be taken.  My little Chloe is on loan and our days are numbered.  Our families, friends, & lovers are on loan.  Some for a very long time, but either they or I will part eventually.

This made me very sad.  I mean, 1+1=2 doesn’t make me sad and this concept is no less firm.  So why did this thing I’ve known since birth make me soooo sad?  And then it hit me, cause humans are built with this burning desire for attachment.  At least I am, maybe you aren’t.  And the spiritual gurus are those who learn to detach from all but their God.  But, do I want that???  It seems so desolate to me.  I understand the need to cherish each moment, but detachment sounds very hard.

I’ll admit, I’m an over-attacher.  If I could form OA Anonymous and get a gathering, I would.  Then I would be attached to the OA members and founders and be sad when we drift apart.  See, I cannot even form the group because I am unable to even comprehend because of my over-attachment disorder (OAD).  Of course, some people are reading this and thinking I’m exactly the opposite.  I know I seem cold and calculating at times.  Especially Mon-Fri 8-5 when I make shit happen!  Sometimes, when I seem like I can just drop whatever it is or whoever may be causing harm, it’s simply survival. 

That’s odd but try to follow me.  Because I do feel attachment and I really do love just about everyone, I know I cannot make everyone happy and instead of hurt you or—God forbid!—express some emotion, I shut you down.  Deep down, I hang on to a lot of stuff.  It’s probably one of the worst qualities about me.  Instead of expressing myself and closing the door softly, I run as quick as possible and slam the door.  Sometimes saying mean things so you won’t chase after me.  Meaning: all that real emotional stuff in my head and heart generally have no place to go.  Like Neil Young said, “Once you’re gone you can’t come back.”  I believe that is what we call “issues” in today’s terms and Facebook ecards.  It also makes closure really hard on myself and unfairly on those I love.  I’m not Catholic but I just blessed my ex-husband wherever he is cause Lord knows I built up so much I finally exploded.  He wasn’t an innocent survivor, but maybe if I’d spoken up years earlier it would have ended much sooner or not gotten me so emotionally wrecked. 

Notice I didn’t say “we’d still be together.”  I don’t reckon anything I’ve ever left was salvageable.  At least I am smart about that even if I’m retarded about it, the decisions I’ve made have been right.  The baggage I left with?  Perhaps not.  But since I am an emotionally handicapped person, I have difficulty.  In my own way, I shut you down because I know not what to do.  I see it on movies, tv, read it in books, and sometimes hear other people express emotions.  I’m still learning.  I’m doing a lot better, depending who you ask.  My fight or flight kicks in and I’ll be damned if I don’t look like a Southwest Pilot running out of an emotional conversation sometimes.  But I’m doing more of that.  I just need to realize not making you happy isn’t the goal.  I’m assertive with positive emotions and comedy and simple directions that need handed out.  Confrontation or anger or hurt or {insert whatever}, not so much.  I’m a big, peace-loving hippie for crying out loud!  And this whole On Loan Law Epiphany didn’t do much at all to help.

You’d think I’d handle situations with care and develop my skills faster since I am slapped with the On Loan circumstance, but I don’t.  Oh, I give it a good try and like I said it’s improving daily.  Still, causing someone to feel anything but happy is not in my nature.  And that’s why detachment seems so odd.  I love love.  I think it makes the world go ‘round (even if we aren’t knocked up… ever) [is that issue of not having kids going to go away?! Jesus it comes up all the damn time].  I crave attachment which suddenly makes me realize how much I need to follow the gurus and detach from that attachment of attachment.  Wow.  Got that?  I mean, I can be happy with what I have and I am blessed to be loaned a little Chloe, a house, a job, a semi-fast car, more material objects, parents who love me, and more friends than that awkward grunge girl from 1994 ever thought she’d have!  But I know they are on loan and I’m going to have to give some of them up.  Some of their spirits move on to other things and reincarnate to other lives; and sometimes shit just happens to our material things.  That’s just the universal law of On Loan.  We get people and pets and things…and then we have to let them go.

I think my sadness lies in that I don’t express myself and therefore when the person/pet/thing is gone, I feel like I should have done more.  And to the universe in general, I should give more while I can.  I push myself to do more before the clock strikes and the loan is called.  But you can’t live this life rushing things, rushing people, and trying to race before it’s over.  That isn’t the purpose.  Maybe it isn’t detachment, maybe it’s acceptance that I have trouble with.  Or maybe it’s a multi-layered rainbow of psycho crazy old dog lady stuff that all comes together in a blog that neither made much sense nor figured anything about the universe out!  Oh lord Jesus it’s a fire in my brain and I ain’t got time for that. 

So it appears I lost what I considered a great blog written yesterday called “Let.It.Be.” and I want to throw the laptop now.  Lesson?  DO NOT FUCKING GET ATTACHED TO ANYTHING.  Shit.  The universe is an asshole.

I recently was confronted with “Sacred Contracts” by Caroline Myss and it changed my perspective on some things. It says we all make a contract in heaven –on some spiritual realm which I will call heaven to simplify the matter. Our contracts are things like teaching or promoting peace generosity or her example is Helen Keller teaching no boundaries. It’s our purpose so to speak. And we make that contract with other spirits. Such as Helen Keller’s parents. They were part of the contract well before they descended to earth.

Of course we cannot remember our contract and there are some three elements she mentions. My point is that I have tried figuring out my contract. I think it has to do with unconditional love. I think my purpose is to promote unconditional love. Now, what this means is that in order to do that I must encounter or create a lot of conditional love first. She points out if it were easy then we’d be arrogant and good for nothing. And EVERYone we encounter is a contract we made to teach us well before we came here.

I can see that. It is a completely different angle than anything I’ve ever taken to examine my life. And believe me, her lectures and books are much deeper than my summary. But back to conditional love. If it isn’t the purpose of my contracts then it would be a lesson well learned.

I’m really, really bad at projecting my definition and view onto people. And I had a need to be right for a long time. I’m learning that if no harm is done by someone being wrong, then by all means I just let them carry on. And sometimes if they wanna be insistent they’re right then I step back then too and watch them struggle so that they can learn themselves.

It’s all kinda humbling to sit and examine how many ways I love with conditions. Which I have done for several days. It means I am excluding real love–an unconditional love returning itself to me. And it makes me see the past as a giant staircase to enlightenment on my path for unconditional love. Every contract, person, experience (choose the word that you relate to the most) has been a step in directing me. When you turn to your past and look at it like that, it’s really easy to forgive and move on. With every step my conditions release and my worth builds. Not net worth, bitches. Soul worth.

There is still a very long way to go. I have found myself biting my lip or hitting the delete key more than ever before because I am changing my approach. Love in every single relationship should be unconditional. Doesn’t mean my coworkers and I can fail at our jobs or be careless, it means I love their soul no matter what just as much if not more when we screw it up. For me it means my way of projecting the way someone should live on them ends. Completely.

This experiment (if you wanna call it that) has taught me how much of my past was produced out of fear or lack of self esteem. I got to question myself now: am I doing this out of fear or love? Iyanla Vanzant says all things are either done from fear or love. It is quite fearful to imagine loving someone so much we just let them be 100000% themselves with nothing in return. I don’t think I will be the guru of unconditional love when the journey is over. No, that’s comical actually. But we touch hundreds of lives in our times here. And maybe, just maybe, a soul is out there to come with a contract that says for the next 50 years I will help you fulfill part of that purpose.

Happy Valentines Day to the souls I know and who are contractually bound to my spirit…& to that soul I still hold out for who will be my biggest teacher.