Oftentimes I have to remind myself that the immense pressure I put on myself regarding the future–about who I am, where my life is going, and how it’s all going to end up–is completely self-created.  It’s one of those days where I need the reminder.  There is no Atlas of Life that is going to lay everything out & give me pictures of how my life should be. There’s no progress chart or percentile to compete with.  I know a couple of my close friends often struggle with similar issues and I wonder, does everyone?  Are the rest of you living a life with a constant pull inside telling you that you aren’t where you should be?  I have to fight that nagging feeling at regular intervals.  Most of the time I can pat myself on the back for being 100% satisfied with what is; for living in the moment and savoring the blessing of this journey called life.  I am generally at peace with the fantastic voyage I am on.  Today, however, I could use a reminder that the future is uncertain and the secret to having a wonderful future is to enjoy today.  I wonder if I should just ask Siri to set up a regular reminder on the iPhone.

It’s funny that the future can have such real psychological effects when it is really just our imagination. You cannot be certain of the future as much as I can’t.  And even those who can see into the future can only see a small slice, not the big picture.  And it’s the big picture that haunts us.  For example, does anyone remember the dream scene in Look Who’s Talking where Kirstie Alley is hanging from that big clock?  I get it now.  I get how a woman’s biological clock starts ticking and we feel our opportunities to create our family are about to expire.  For a long time it felt like I had sooooooo much time to worry about whether or not I wanted to be married (again) & have kids.  But these days creep up on you in your 30’s that just seem to scream at you that you’re nearing the end of the game and if you wanna make a play, you better do it quick.  It’s a horrible feeling really.  Pain from others I can understand and deal with; internal, self-inflicted wounds are often less obvious.  Which is why I like to blog and try to make sense of it all.

One thing I know for certain is that some decisions are good when they come with some pressure.  In fact, I specialize at making good decisions on the fly and make a great living at it.  However, some “decisions” are not best made when under pressure.  And the fact that the direction my life takes concerning a family is at the mercy of who enters my life just makes it very silly to worry about it.  I have no control over that.  I try to be a good person.  I try to learn from my mistakes and keep my mind in a good place.  That’s about the end of my control over the issues.  From that point, it’s up to fate, destiny, chance, God, karma [choose whichever you like] to bring people to me that may or may not be on the path best for me.  And, I must ultimately surrender to the fact that I don’t always know what path is best for me.  There’s not a road we can choose, there’s a bunch of tiny steps in the right direction that gets you to where you’re going.  So the pressure and the ticking clock inside me, that’s just in my head.  I can’t control these factors and I wouldn’t want to do so if I could.  I’m not qualified.  I trust a higher power.  I also trust that higher power has given me everything I need or will bring it to me so that I can make the best decisions when I do need to make them.  But that’s not today.  And if I’m grateful for every day up to today, why not let the pressure ease off and just enjoy this day?  Obviously everything has happened exactly the way it should have so the negativity needs to dissipate because it serves no purpose.  My life is full of glitter and awesomeness.  To worry about things out of my control is almost like not being grateful for the life I have now.  And that’s complete B.S. because it’s sooooo fabulous at apryl.me!

If anyone else is feeling some imaginary pressure about things that are beyond your control, let it go and remember how blessed and awesome things are right now.  Trust that you are being taught the lessons you need for your dreams to come true at the exact moment they should.  I’m glad it all came to me when it did, including you my dear friends!