As usual, there will be nothing mind-blowing or world changing in this blog. In fact, I’m sad to say it’s nothing more than a “blahg”. I’m certain I couldn’t have been the first to coin that term but I high-fived myself anyway.

It’s been a good week to be me. I’m having an especially awesome hair night. Ok, that’s probably the most boring start to a blog in my history. Truth is, it’s all I can do to avoid a certain subject. You know that feeling when you’re so happy you feel like you’re about to burst? Well, I live there now. It’s kinda my new hood. Things are going good on all fronts. But, let’s be real, it wouldn’t be Apryl.me if I weren’t overthinking things.

Truth is, I have developed a mistrust of happiness where others are concerned. That’s incredibly sad & honestly a little whiney sounding. I didn’t even know I could be that Emo. I don’t think it’s complete mistrust—it’s more of a reverential treatment of happiness. Life has taught me that things can be not always what they seem. And my feelings aren’t always on target. Well, let’s reanalyze that. I think my feelings are always on target. I mean, they’re feelings—not scientific facts–and even though they aren’t right or wrong, they can be justified and unjustified I suppose. I guess as I get older I’m more likely to analyze things again & again before settling on and getting comfortable with how I feel.

I’m female and I feel a LOT. I don’t want to cause a controversy but I think our hormones really do make us have more intense feelings than guys. Or maybe we just weigh our feelings differently. So, while I’m about to burst with joy, I am trying to maintain some dignity. Like, I always tell myself “Just. Be. Cool. Don’t be a fool!” It works I think. Mostly.

See, I’m afraid if I mention anything it will jinx it! Which—now that I write that down–just kinda goes to show that I am a little untrusting. I am afraid if I show too much, it will only serve to hurt to me. I think the part of me who wants to act with good judgment should be cheered. But I also think part of me is a little wounded and needs to heal so that I can release the things inside that I do not need. I don’t need to carry baggage from my past with me into the future. Luckily, I learn more everyday that I don’t need those things. The jealousy, mistrust, disdain, and fear I carried for so long aren’t even allowed on this journey. Like, if this is an airplane, those are prohibited cargo. Not even in checked baggage, homey. It’s a relief and I’m happy to let them go. The happiness that fills me instead is much more welcome. And let’s face it, do I want to end up a bitter old lady? Hellz to the no!

So, as always, through the course of this blog I’ve found some insight into myself. I clearly see through some of my metaphors that I have been afraid and somewhat hidden. Screw that. It doesn’t suit me at all. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and I see no reason not to cheer me on & just go with that. The people in your present are not the ones you left behind.

I hate all those “motivational” photos on FB that encourage you to somehow pull a lesson from your past and not let it happen in your future. Whatever—people are people and you’re gonna have disappointment. But not all the lessons you learned apply to the people you are with today so stop punishing them!! If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you have to just be YOU. You don’t control anyone else. Yes, some guy or some girl is probably gonna shit on you again just like someone else did. And every relationship ends with someone leaving—either they go alive (50% divorce rate) or one of you die. Facts, kids. However, if you gained some insight into yourself that creates more peace & happiness then don’t surrender that. Keep that part of the lesson. Like the 99 red balloons, my negativity goes bye…. “I think of you & let it go”

Oftentimes I have to remind myself that the immense pressure I put on myself regarding the future–about who I am, where my life is going, and how it’s all going to end up–is completely self-created.  It’s one of those days where I need the reminder.  There is no Atlas of Life that is going to lay everything out & give me pictures of how my life should be. There’s no progress chart or percentile to compete with.  I know a couple of my close friends often struggle with similar issues and I wonder, does everyone?  Are the rest of you living a life with a constant pull inside telling you that you aren’t where you should be?  I have to fight that nagging feeling at regular intervals.  Most of the time I can pat myself on the back for being 100% satisfied with what is; for living in the moment and savoring the blessing of this journey called life.  I am generally at peace with the fantastic voyage I am on.  Today, however, I could use a reminder that the future is uncertain and the secret to having a wonderful future is to enjoy today.  I wonder if I should just ask Siri to set up a regular reminder on the iPhone.

It’s funny that the future can have such real psychological effects when it is really just our imagination. You cannot be certain of the future as much as I can’t.  And even those who can see into the future can only see a small slice, not the big picture.  And it’s the big picture that haunts us.  For example, does anyone remember the dream scene in Look Who’s Talking where Kirstie Alley is hanging from that big clock?  I get it now.  I get how a woman’s biological clock starts ticking and we feel our opportunities to create our family are about to expire.  For a long time it felt like I had sooooooo much time to worry about whether or not I wanted to be married (again) & have kids.  But these days creep up on you in your 30’s that just seem to scream at you that you’re nearing the end of the game and if you wanna make a play, you better do it quick.  It’s a horrible feeling really.  Pain from others I can understand and deal with; internal, self-inflicted wounds are often less obvious.  Which is why I like to blog and try to make sense of it all.

One thing I know for certain is that some decisions are good when they come with some pressure.  In fact, I specialize at making good decisions on the fly and make a great living at it.  However, some “decisions” are not best made when under pressure.  And the fact that the direction my life takes concerning a family is at the mercy of who enters my life just makes it very silly to worry about it.  I have no control over that.  I try to be a good person.  I try to learn from my mistakes and keep my mind in a good place.  That’s about the end of my control over the issues.  From that point, it’s up to fate, destiny, chance, God, karma [choose whichever you like] to bring people to me that may or may not be on the path best for me.  And, I must ultimately surrender to the fact that I don’t always know what path is best for me.  There’s not a road we can choose, there’s a bunch of tiny steps in the right direction that gets you to where you’re going.  So the pressure and the ticking clock inside me, that’s just in my head.  I can’t control these factors and I wouldn’t want to do so if I could.  I’m not qualified.  I trust a higher power.  I also trust that higher power has given me everything I need or will bring it to me so that I can make the best decisions when I do need to make them.  But that’s not today.  And if I’m grateful for every day up to today, why not let the pressure ease off and just enjoy this day?  Obviously everything has happened exactly the way it should have so the negativity needs to dissipate because it serves no purpose.  My life is full of glitter and awesomeness.  To worry about things out of my control is almost like not being grateful for the life I have now.  And that’s complete B.S. because it’s sooooo fabulous at apryl.me!

If anyone else is feeling some imaginary pressure about things that are beyond your control, let it go and remember how blessed and awesome things are right now.  Trust that you are being taught the lessons you need for your dreams to come true at the exact moment they should.  I’m glad it all came to me when it did, including you my dear friends!

“The only disability in life is a bad attitude.” – Scott Hamilton

You know, that statement is very true.  I’ve found at age 33 that people are starting to really settle into their attitudes.  I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of this, especially at work.  After a decade I have become hardened and less creative.  I hope that acknowledging the problem is the first step to change.  I trace this attitude to something similar to what Einstein said–“To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.”  I agree!  I did not anticipate the track my career would take or the level of responsibility I would come to have.  I’m extremely blessed and I need my attitude to reflect that no matter how frustrated or busy I am.  Sometimes I act like my job is a curse when it is a huge blessing and I’m the luckiest girl I know to get to work in a never-boring atmosphere.  I’ve worked hard for it and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else because whatever “else” might be, I wouldn’t have earned it.  I have blood, sweat, & tears in this job and I can be proud of that.

My attitude outside of work can be snarky at times but I try to be positive.  It’s pretty easy considering I love my life!!  I have the best friends, I’m in an incredibly creative region, there’s a beach here for heaven’s sake, and there is always something to do.  I’ve found the Mississippi Coast fits me well because it’s a nice blend of things to do and yet relaxed and not as hectic as, say, New York.  Sometimes I wish I was in NYC and feeling that electricity, that buzz, that is simply the energy of a city that is moving at the speed of light.  It’s a palpable feeling of anticipation and imagination that runs through the streets of NYC and it sure was amazing to tap into that for a few days.  However, I personally would never even consider having a kid or a dog in NYC.  But I would like to go there a couple times a year for the rest of my life!!  Tony Robbins always says to make a change you need to first change your location.

I think the key to having a great attitude is to be in a spirit of gratitude constantly.  Not to shove my religion down your throat, but I make only one request for myself when I pray and that is “to be an instrument of peace & love.”  I’ve found that’s really all I want from God.  If I can ever succeed at that day in & day out, I’m as close as I can get to God.  And I have a lot of work to do!  Aside from that request, I ask for peace and love for anyone suffering.  I think it to be God’s greatest gifts.  Then, I always end my prayers with a list of things I’m grateful for.  That could go on & on & on.  Throughout the day, especially if I hear of tragedy, I thank God for how very small my suffering has been and–again–send those in need peace and love.  When I pay bills I remind myself to be thankful for the fact that while the money leaves the bank rapidly, it was at least there to begin with!!  I’m thankful to have known love and to have lost it.  I’ve never been happier so no reason not to be grateful for the lessons that got me here.  And I’m really grateful for the fabulous lunch today.  Yes, indeed, life is beautiful.