Those are the words of my dear friend, Trey.  Trey & I bounce our thoughts off one another a lot.  Comparing our life notes.  He’s probably my most trusted confidant.  Wait, he’s also my attorney–when/if needed–so I guess that’s a good thing!  His description today was brilliant (IMO) and it had me wondering what people would do if they actually knew what we thought of them.  If it were harder to lie or hide, would we we be happier or would we only be hurt continually?  If we found there were patterns about us, would we change?  I highly doubt the subject of mine & Trey’s conversation would describe themselves as such in a million years.  Or would they?  Would they even guess it was them?!?! LOL if anyone actually reads this–& according to stats there are only a couple of you–if you think you could be the mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma you just ask & I’ll honestly tell you yes or no. 😀

On another note, Sordid Lives cannot come soon enough.  I know that once I get into rehearsals 4 nights a week and weekend scavenger hunts for props I will be exhausted.  And by show dates, I will be ready for the cast party & strike! But…until then I anticipate the days when I can start watching the magic come together.  I love free time.  But I have an awful habit of being lazy and gaining weight when I’m not occupied with activity.  I chastise this part of myself severely day in & day out.  I realize the only thing stopping me from having everything I wanted in the world is me.  I know this because never have I put my mind to something and failed.  When my mind & my heart are in sync and motivation is high, I’m like a fire out of control.  That has its undeniable pleasures but also means I can be stubborn and unreasonable.  I’ve had to learn some things must be dropped for the sanity of myself & those I love.  And I have also learned that when I make that decision to let it go I must own it.  It’s always my decision to either follow or deny my passions.  Perhaps the greatest lesson of all is that when my passion means losing someone, that person wasn’t meant to go any farther on the journey with me.  And my greatest fear is that I will end up chasing my passions and dreams and succeed and then end up alone.

Do I know too much or too little?  If I know that success is nothing without people who love you… and I don’t want to go all the way only to look around and be alone… am I wise to gauge my passion and reign myself in and not dive in so deep no one can catch up?  Or, am I delusional & simply convincing myself there are reasons to be lazy?  Cause there’s lots of good reasons to push people aside and chase that dream but there’s also the thought that if I actually made it I would look around and have no one to share it with.  For me, that would be devastating.  I’d be a hot mess.  I know myself so incredibly well that I know that much.  Or would I just chase the next creative thought down until it came to fruition and die happy with myself?

So while that’s my greatest fear, my greatest hope is that I can both create success and share it.  I want more but I stop myself because I’m scared of the cost.  Which will immediately stop today because I realize–now that I’ve gotten to the end of this blog–if I am not happy and I’m not pursuing my own interests, I’ll make someone miserable.  It’s all about balancing isn’t it?

Wow, I kinda lost myself a couple times in that extended thought.  I apologize if that makes zero sense.  Well, you can take one thought away from this blog–she’s as messed up as I thought she was 🙂