So, it dawns on me (hahaha it’s 5:59am & I’m just getting to bed) that it is Independence Day.  I realize I should be more patriotic, but I’m just not feeling it this year.  In fact, at this moment I’d be willing to travel elsewhere so that maybe I will actually appreciate my country more these days.  Humans, I can’t live with them & can’t live without them. Eh.  The thought did strike me on my drive home that I should celebrate my own independence today.  I’m often referred to as an independent gal.  I’m not sure that is always complimentary, but I see how much truth lies in it.  I live alone (albeit not for much longer), I have a career that was self-made, I am not afraid to go out and try new things, I’ll travel anywhere in the world alone, I make tons of decisions daily without consulting anyone or anything.  I guess I do live a pretty independent life.

Not to harp on it more than I already do but some of that independence is circumstance and not personality.  I mean, who exactly would it be that I would depend on?  I’m alone.  I am forced to be independent.  At times it feels like solitary confinement.  Unfortunately, this puts me in the position to have one person to worry about, to examine, and to judge.  The more time that passes the more I desire for there to be a partner, someone who I can put a little energy towards and take me out of the spotlight a little.  Perhaps some children that can totally ruin all this independence.  😉  Until then, the only subject under my mind’s microscope is me.  Apryl.me.  I reckon I am severely harsh on myself.  With no one else to blame or meter, I’m constantly finding my own mistakes.  And, it feels, overly so.

What’s the Socrates quote, “the unexamined life is not worth living?”  Heh, well I have to now ask, is the overly-examined life worth living?  It’s starting to get ridiculous.  Such as, I saw a friend was online when I logged into FB.  Then, less than a minute later, she went offline and I was thinking, “Oh man, did she see me come online and didn’t want to chat so she went offline?”  And that’s when I knew I was an over-thinker.  Because, let’s say this is exactly why my friend went offline–to avoid me, who the fuck cares?  Did I log in to chat with her? Nope.  Did I have anything significant that she needed to know?  No, that’s why I text.  Or send a FB message that can be read later.  And finally, it’s a tad narcissistic and psycho to even go down that road in my head in the first place.  And I do this to myself all the time.  I’ll be walking and tell myself this nail polish really makes my toes look longer than they already do.  I will constantly wonder what’s wrong with me or find an imperfection to ponder.

Today, I am relieving myself of this self-imposed duty.  I am becoming independent of the scrutiny.  I am going to try to do it one day.  I’m sure my natural thought flow will lead me down that path but I have the freedom to choose another thought, and I’m exercising it.

Happy Independence Day!